Music from
“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?”
A Two-Act Musical Comedy Stage Production
SONG LYRICS
To many words…. Just listen to this one on your own. You can figure it out. We’re pretty articulate.
Words & Music by Stefan Marks
Oh, the sunshine is so bright…out here. The corn it grows so high…out here. The girls they are so cute…out here. Who would ever go anywhere else?
The sky is blue. The stars are true. There’s always some-en fun to do. I love to jump and say “Whoo-hoo!” Who would ever go anywhere else?
Oh… Some folks they are full a hate. Now I may over compensate by lovin’ squirrels and bugs and bees and always sayin’ thanks and please.
Shakin’ hands is fine for me. Respect for a woman comes naturally. Why buy the milk when the cow is free. No I don’t wanna marry a whore. No I don’t wanna marry a whore. No I don’t wanna marry a whore.
I’d be friends with a whore. Hopefully REAL good friends.
But I will not marry a whore. YEE-HAW!
Words & Music by Matt Kaminsky
Please forgive me, Love. Apologies are not enough. I swear to hold you high above if you will just forgive me, Love.
If you won’t let me see you. Then take me eyes. I’m blind without you. This broken heart can’t mend without you, my Love.
I was cold. And I was young. And I was petty, I was callous, I was wrong.
Dear God above, what have I done? I pledge my soul to you.
I will be waiting here. Without your love I’ll disappear. Become one with the atmosphere, my Love!
Words & Music by Stefan Marks
Okay. No more more banjo.
Words & Music by Ken Weiler
Words & Music by Stefan Marks
This next song is an Italian love ballad written entirely in Swahilian tongues that celebrates the much famed Genoan Romanticism of the early 17th century post master general. But it also kinda delves pretty deeply into the pre-proliteriat rise of the Venetian Stamp Collecting Regime under Benito Mussolini. And I think it was the Great Greek philosopher Hysterectomy who said, “To Be Perfectly Honest, I’m lying.”
Do you know the way-hey to a gentleman’s heart? Ask a million folks and you’ll get a million different answers. But I can tell you one sure fire way. All you have to do is listen to what I say. First you take a scalpel—
By the way, portions of this song—particularly portions of this song directly following this vamp may be deemed unsuitable for younger listening audiences.
You’re supposed to warn people before the song starts. I forgot. You always forget. So do you. What? Forget. Forget what? We all seem to forget. You forget too. Shut up. Ok. Where were we? I forget. Holding a scalpel. Right.
Scalpel! Scalpel! Scalpel! Ohhh… First you take a scalpel. And you make a slice like this. Then you put your hands here and you rip yourself a hole. Then you bust my rib cage and thrust your fists within. Grab that pulsing red blob. Just yank it out you got my heart you win!
Words & Music by Stefan Marks
I asked you if you loved me and you said why? Wrong answer—
Words & Music by Stefan Marks
The keeper of the flame – He holds the fire tight! Living in a castle on a cloud up in the sky! Raining down upon me, fall the ashes of the dead. What do I need to sing about to get you into bed?
Romantic crap like battle and the things I’ll do for love. Knights in shining armor and the dragons fight above. Pretend I’m tall and skinny with long hair upon my head. Whatever I need to sing about to get you into bed.
Ahhhh… Ahhhh…
Cause… I can’t stand. No, I can’t stand. I can’t stand… Bein’ in joke band.
Words by Matt Kaminsky & Stefan Marks. Music by Matt Kaminsky
You make me say “I love you” on the phone when we are done. And you don’t let me watch the game when Oprah Winfrey’s on. You make me sit down when I pee ’cause ya think that standing’s wrong. Tell me, what else could you do? You make me feel two foot two.
You make me hold your purse when we walk through the mall. You talk about our love life – tell your friends that I am small. You send me to the store for tampons. You’ve got me by the balls. Tell me, what is next from you?
Girl, take me from behind. I know it’s on your mind. Is that what you’ve in store? You whore.
Why wait? There’s nothing else to lose. What is there left from you? Emasculate me now. Meow!
Girl, take me from behind.
Words & Music by Stefan Marks
He stood beneath the lemon tree and said, “Why is life so sour to me?” Can’t you see what it could be to smile?
Go on. Move on. Get out of the shade. Take a walk in the sunshine before it’s too late.
I saw a young boy and I followed his lead. He looked strangely familiar as we walked from the tree.
He reminded me of a younger me. He was short and sure-footed and didn’t know where he was going.
But he led the way. And I let him lead. And the sun got hotter. And skin got burned. And we got real lost. And I started to ache. Unbearable thirst. I finally fell to the dirt. But he just keep walkin’. And he didn’t look back. I watched him get smaller… Then I died.
Words & Music by Stefan Marks
But I know my place! It’s to stand in the back and thump on the bass.
Stay in the back! Not allowed to sing.
Why can’t I sing? Is it genetic? Or is it cuz? I’m just a sidekick.
Don’t upstage us! Don’t be funny! Don’t tell jokes! No one paid money…TO SEE YOOUUUU… I mean MEEE…
I don’t care what he plays. Just make him stand way in the back and thump on the bassss.
Words & Music by Stefan Marks
La, la…La, la…La, la…
Can you hold on to me and still be who you used to be? Or will it change you? When you look at me do you see me as I see me or do you see me as I see you?
Look at you lookin at me lookin’ at you wonderin’ what the hell do I have to do to make you and me… we…
Cause what I see… In your eyes…Is that our hellos… are becoming goodbyes…
La, la…La, la…La, la…
And although I know that I loved you… Maybe I never did…And although I know that you loved me… Maybe you never did…
I wanna go where I can be the man I’ve always dreamed I’d be…
Don’t change, cause I don’t wanna change you. Please change, cause then I’ll really love you. Can’t change, cause then I will become you. I want you to be happy but I want me to be happy too.
Can’t see a way that we can fix this. One kiss just becomes another kiss. That kiss turns into the final kiss. Go away please stay we gotta find another way…
When you… See me… Do you… See us…See me the way that I see you…Can you… Will you… Stay… with me? Can u say that you’ll stay…If it gets tough… will you stay on or will you look to run…will you stay on? Or will you run away?
I wanna go where I can be the man I’ve always dreamed I’d be…
Can’t you be? Why not be? Could you be? Won’t you be? Will you be a friend to me? I don’t know why that you say that you’re here for me when you’re nowhere to be found.
Don’t change, cause I don’t wanna change you. Please change, cause then I’ll really love you. Can’t change, cause then I will become you. I want you to be happy but I want me to be happy too.
Can’t see a way that we can fix this. One kiss just becomes another kiss.That kiss turns into the final kiss. Go away please stay we gotta find another way…
(AT SAME TIME AS 4 LINES ABOVE.)
I wanna go where I can be the man I’ve always dreamed I’d be…
Can’t you be? Why not be? Could you be? Won’t you be? Will you be a friend to me? I don’t know why that you say that you’re here for me when you’re nowhere to be found…
And although I know that I loved you
(And I see…)
Maybe I never did…
(In your eyes…)
Oh and…I am sorry for all of the fighting…
(And I see…)
And I am sorry for all of the crying…
(In your eyes…)
And I am sorry for all the time wasted…
(And I see…)
But I will finally let you go…
let you go…
(How can I? Why should I? How can you?
Why would you? How can we? Why can’t we?
How could you let me go…)
Words & Music by Ken Weiler
When it’s two o’clock in the morning and you call your ex without warning to say you’ve been thinking about her this evening…You my friend have been drinking.
Now ladies I got this here warning. If you come home at four in the morning, slip into your jammies to find you’ve lost your panties…You’ve had too much to drink.
I love drinking all the day. Lying in the sun and catching some rays. I love drinking. Oh I love drinking. Yes I love drinking all the day.
Sometimes a man’s gotta smoke. When you’re drunk it’s real nice to toke on some wacky tobacc-y or even some crack-y goes nice with a jack and some coke.
When you’re singing at the top of your lungs and you’re having way too much fun. If you think you’re Sinatra but you sound like Nirvana…You’re drunk and it’s time to go home.
I love drinking all the day. Lying in the sun and catching some rays. I love drinking. Oh I love drinking. Yes I love drinking all the day.
When I was a wee-bitty baby my father used to recite limericks to me until I laughed so hard I wet my pants. We’ll sing a few of his favorites to you now as I honor this gift from my father because I know he’d be oh so proud.
There once was a hermit named Dave who kept a dead whore in his cave. He said “I’ll admit I’m a bit of a shit, but think of the money I’ll save.”
Did you meet that boy from Australia who went on a wild Bacchanalia? He buggered a frog, two mice, and a dog. Now he’s married with kids in Malaysia.
There once was a man from Fritz who planted an acre of tits. They bloomed in the Fall, pink nipples and all. And he ate them all to bits.
I love drinking all the day. Lying in the sun and catching some rays. I love drinking. Oh I love drinking. Yes I love drinking all the day.
Words & Music by Stefan Marks
If I could be anything I’d be your underwear. I’d spend all day just hugging you with a wide-eyed happy stare.
Please don’t try to change me. Let me be your only pair. You can take me off to wash me. But please handle me with care.
And before you put me on each morning… And you take me off at night… Just promise me that you’ll always love me too and you’re not a hermaphrodite.
Yes… If I could be anything I’d be your underwear. I’d spend all day just hugging you with a wide-eyed happy stare.
Words & Music by Matt Kaminsky
Well, I’m the type of guy who can settle down, but it doesn’t mean I won’t be foolin’ around. ‘Cause I like my sweets. I like to have me cake and eat it, too. Well, what would you do? A piece of ass like this should be shared with you.
Well, well, well… Starkle, starkle, little twink. What the heck I are I think I need another martini. Put a second olive in my drink. Would ya, Buddy? Thank you, Buddy. A piece of ass like this ain’t afraid to stink.
Who wants a piece of me? Who wants a piece of me? I’ll get your drinks for free. Who wants a piece of me?
Take a number. Form a line. One by one I’ll make you mine. All you ladies drop your hubbies ’cause I got the only chubby that can make you feel so fine.
I pull my hands from my pocket, put my finger in your socket, and watch your body rock n’ roll. And if you give me fifty dollars I am sure to make you holler. Make you tingle from your head to your toes.
‘Cause I’m a piece of ass and from the look of things you need a man like me to make you sing.
Who wants a piece of me? Who wants a piece of me? I’ll get your drinks for free. Who wants a piece of me?
Take a number. Form a line. One by one I’ll make you mine. All you ladies drop your hubbies. I got the only chubby that can make you feel so fine.
I don’t know, but I would guess by the end of this song I’ll have you out of your dress. I don’t know, but I foresee any one of you ladies comin’ home with me.
‘Cause I’m the type of guy who can settle down, but it doesn’t mean I won’t be foolin’ around. ‘Cause I like my sweets. I like to have me cake and eat it, too. Well, what would you do? A piece of ass like this should be shared with you. A piece of ass like this should be shared with you. A piece of ass like this should be shared with you.
Words & Music by Stefan Marks
I’m Gonna Die You’re gonna too. But before we both go. I… love… meeeeeeeeeee…
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah nah nah, I love me.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah nah nah, I love me.
No-oh I don’t love you. No I lovvvvvvve Meeeeee.
Words & Music by Matt Kaminsky
I love you. I love you. I love you, but you’re not a Jew. So goodbye. Yes, goodbye. This is goodbye.
I love you. Punim, I love you. Yes I love you, but you’re not Jew. So goodbye. Goodbye. Yes, Goodbye.
I’m not a Fagela, my Shayna Maidela. But you don’t eat Bagelas. So I’ll have ta V’Ahavta on my own.
I love you. But my mother would hate you. Then I’d have this guilt, too, because you’re not a Jew. So goodbye. Goodbye. Yes, goodbye.
Goodbye. Shalom I cry. My Christian Love.
Words & Music by Stefan Marks
I had this friend who said that when he died he wanted to be just like me. Mm-hm. But I don’t know if I wanna be like him. God I feel so alone. No one thinks the way I do.
And I knew a girl who was pretty to look at as long as you didn’t have eyes. Good god. If beauty’s skin deep then damn she had thin skin. God I feel so alone. No one thinks the way I do.
I will run down to the ocean. And I will split the sea in two. I will explode the moon and pull the sun and boil and burn the world.
La, la, la, la etc…
Yes, I will stand and push the buttons and the skies will fill with steel. Oh yes I will bomb and bomb and bomb and bomb and bomb and bomb and bomb. Oh-oh.
La, la, la, la etc…
And I’ve got these nightmares microfiched on my eyelids. I don’t speak BRAILLE but I listen to the voices in my head. I’m starting to rot and my inner child wants OUT! God I feel so alone. So many people and yet it’s true. No one thinks the way I do.
No one thinks the way I do.
Words & Music by Stefan Marks
We’re a band and we’re called the Four Postmen. We wanna thank ya for comin’ to the show. We like to call ourselves the world’s greatest rock group. A 1,2,3 and a 5 and a 4.
I know sometimes it seems… like IT’S ALL ABOUT ME. But I’M YOUR MAN and you’re my woman. So come on Baby, won’t ya GIMME SOME SUGAR? I WANNA DANCE. Do you wanna join me? Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you, will you, will you join the dance?
Get off the stage! Stop yer singin’! When Irish Eyes are Smilin’… You suck!
WHAT CAN I DO TO CONVINCE YOU? That our team is RED HOT! Maybe one day we’ll birth the BABY JESUS. We’ll win THE LOTTO and we’ll move to RABBIT VALLEY. Ooh kooka lay kooka la kooka locka locka LO—-
Get off the stage! I’m tryin’ to get drunk! Down with the Postmen! Danny Boy!
The SUN comes up and the sun goes down! Cual es son la feche tu hermano es alto. LOST in VEGAS. Lookin’ for my RIVER. I GOT me A TAN like David H. Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Maaaa – CATBOX!
Get off the stage! Off with their heads! Bring on the leprechauns! Green sleeves!
No more CRAZY LITTLE 5 YEAR OLD GIRLs! I’d have to be DRUNK to make love to you. To hell with you BLOOD SUCKIN’ POSTMEN. I’M GONNA DIE too but not before my GRANDMA. Help I’m stuck in an ANAL VICE.
Get off the stage! You take the high road! And I’ll take the back door! Get off the stage!
Shilelalee – shilackin! Please God, squash me with the Blarney Stone! For the Love of Erie!Get off the stage ya pansy, suckin’ U.S. Females! You’re like a black hole! You SUCK! For the sake of the baby Jesus bring on Bono! Sinead! Waterboys! Zamfir! Gene Kelley! Danny Kaye! Rose Marie! Little Bobby De Niro! Father Mickey O’ Rourke O’ Malley McMannis O’ Doodle, Mindy McConnel, Captain Bob Keeshan, Mc Duff, McDonald’s, McNuggets, a large POTATO famine fries and a bloody 69 cent ice cool! minty Shamrock Shake with a sprig a the friggin’ 4 leaf clover! – TO GO for the sake of the color GREEN and all red hot, red-blooded, green eyed, freckle-faced, red-headed lasses all cross the emerald skies from here to the bagpipin’ kingdom come, way oar to the end o’ the rainbow and the bleedin’ pot o’ gold Irish bullion rainin’ down upon the upturned mossy ‘eads a duh smokin’, glassy eyed bomb victims! Way kukka doodle diddle deedle daydle dairy dee tur upte ortum vessum nairy WEEBLE VORLUM VIFFER!!!!!…
A-1-2-3-4… Get off the stage! Get off the stage! Get off the stage!