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Genre: Rock

A form of popular music which evolved from rock and roll and pop music during the mid and late 1960s.

What The Hell Happened?

Music from

“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?”

A Two-Act Musical Comedy Stage Production

SONG LYRICS

To many words…. Just listen to this one on your own.  You can figure it out.  We’re pretty articulate.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

Oh, the sunshine is so bright…out here. The corn it grows so high…out here. The girls they are so cute…out here. Who would ever go anywhere else?

The sky is blue. The stars are true. There’s always some-en fun to do. I love to jump and say “Whoo-hoo!” Who would ever go anywhere else?

Oh… Some folks they are full a hate. Now I may over compensate by lovin’ squirrels and bugs and bees and always sayin’ thanks and please.

Shakin’ hands is fine for me. Respect for a woman comes naturally. Why buy the milk when the cow is free. No I don’t wanna marry a whore. No I don’t wanna marry a whore. No I don’t wanna marry a whore.

I’d be friends with a whore. Hopefully REAL good friends.

But I will not marry a whore. YEE-HAW!

Words & Music by Matt Kaminsky

Please forgive me, Love. Apologies are not enough. I swear to hold you high above if you will just forgive me, Love.

If you won’t let me see you. Then take me eyes. I’m blind without you. This broken heart can’t mend without you, my Love.

I was cold. And I was young. And I was petty, I was callous, I was wrong.

Dear God above, what have I done? I pledge my soul to you.

I will be waiting here. Without your love I’ll disappear. Become one with the atmosphere, my Love!

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

Okay. No more more banjo.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

This next song is an Italian love ballad written entirely in Swahilian tongues that celebrates the much famed Genoan Romanticism of the early 17th century post master general. But it also kinda delves pretty deeply into the pre-proliteriat rise of the Venetian Stamp Collecting Regime under Benito Mussolini. And I think it was the Great Greek philosopher Hysterectomy who said, “To Be Perfectly Honest, I’m lying.”

Do you know the way-hey to a gentleman’s heart? Ask a million folks and you’ll get a million different answers. But I can tell you one sure fire way. All you have to do is listen to what I say. First you take a scalpel—

By the way, portions of this song—particularly portions of this song directly following this vamp may be deemed unsuitable for younger listening audiences.

You’re supposed to warn people before the song starts. I forgot. You always forget. So do you. What? Forget. Forget what? We all seem to forget. You forget too. Shut up. Ok. Where were we? I forget. Holding a scalpel. Right.

Scalpel! Scalpel! Scalpel! Ohhh… First you take a scalpel. And you make a slice like this. Then you put your hands here and you rip yourself a hole. Then you bust my rib cage and thrust your fists within. Grab that pulsing red blob. Just yank it out you got my heart you win!

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I asked you if you loved me and you said why? Wrong answer—

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

The keeper of the flame – He holds the fire tight! Living in a castle on a cloud up in the sky! Raining down upon me, fall the ashes of the dead. What do I need to sing about to get you into bed?

Romantic crap like battle and the things I’ll do for love. Knights in shining armor and the dragons fight above. Pretend I’m tall and skinny with long hair upon my head. Whatever I need to sing about to get you into bed.

Ahhhh… Ahhhh…

Cause… I can’t stand. No, I can’t stand. I can’t stand… Bein’ in joke band.

Words by Matt Kaminsky & Stefan Marks. Music by Matt Kaminsky

You make me say “I love you” on the phone when we are done. And you don’t let me watch the game when Oprah Winfrey’s on. You make me sit down when I pee ’cause ya think that standing’s wrong. Tell me, what else could you do? You make me feel two foot two.

You make me hold your purse when we walk through the mall.  You talk about our love life – tell your friends that I am small. You send me to the store for tampons. You’ve got me by the balls.  Tell me, what is next from you?

Girl, take me from behind. I know it’s on your mind. Is that what you’ve in store? You whore.

Why wait? There’s nothing else to lose. What is there left from you? Emasculate me now. Meow!

Girl, take me from behind.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

He stood beneath the lemon tree and said, “Why is life so sour to me?” Can’t you see what it could be to smile?

Go on. Move on. Get out of the shade. Take a walk in the sunshine before it’s too late.

I saw a young boy and I followed his lead. He looked strangely familiar as we walked from the tree.

He reminded me of a younger me. He was short and sure-footed and didn’t know where he was going.

But he led the way. And I let him lead. And the sun got hotter. And skin got burned. And we got real lost. And I started to ache. Unbearable thirst. I finally fell to the dirt. But he just keep walkin’. And he didn’t look back. I watched him get smaller… Then I died.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

But I know my place! It’s to stand in the back and thump on the bass.

Stay in the back! Not allowed to sing.

Why can’t I sing? Is it genetic? Or is it cuz? I’m just a sidekick.

Don’t upstage us! Don’t be funny! Don’t tell jokes! No one paid money…TO SEE YOOUUUU… I mean MEEE…

I don’t care what he plays. Just make him stand way in the back and thump on the bassss.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

La, la…La, la…La, la…

Can you hold on to me and still be who you used to be? Or will it change you? When you look at me do you see me as I see me or do you see me as I see you?

Look at you lookin at me lookin’ at you wonderin’ what the hell do I have to do to make you and me… we…

Cause what I see… In your eyes…Is that our hellos… are becoming goodbyes…

La, la…La, la…La, la…

And although I know that I loved you… Maybe I never did…And although I know that you loved me… Maybe you never did…

I wanna go where I can be the man I’ve always dreamed I’d be…

Don’t change, cause I don’t wanna change you. Please change, cause then I’ll really love you. Can’t change, cause then I will become you. I want you to be happy but I want me to be happy too.

Can’t see a way that we can fix this. One kiss just becomes another kiss. That kiss turns into the final kiss. Go away please stay we gotta find another way…

When you… See me… Do you… See us…See me the way that I see you…Can you… Will you… Stay… with me? Can u say that you’ll stay…If it gets tough… will you stay on or will you look to run…will you stay on? Or will you run away?

I wanna go where I can be the man I’ve always dreamed I’d be…

Can’t you be? Why not be? Could you be? Won’t you be? Will you be a friend to me? I don’t know why that you say that you’re here for me when you’re nowhere to be found.

Don’t change, cause I don’t wanna change you. Please change, cause then I’ll really love you. Can’t change, cause then I will become you. I want you to be happy but I want me to be happy too.

Can’t see a way that we can fix this. One kiss just becomes another kiss.That kiss turns into the final kiss. Go away please stay we gotta find another way…

(AT SAME TIME AS 4 LINES ABOVE.)

I wanna go where I can be the man I’ve always dreamed I’d be…

Can’t you be? Why not be? Could you be? Won’t you be? Will you be a friend to me? I don’t know why that you say that you’re here for me when you’re nowhere to be found…

And although I know that I loved you

(And I see…)

Maybe I never did…

(In your eyes…)

Oh and…I am sorry for all of the fighting…

(And I see…)

And I am sorry for all of the crying…

(In your eyes…)

And I am sorry for all the time wasted…

(And I see…)

But I will finally let you go…

let you go…

(How can I? Why should I? How can you?

Why would you? How can we? Why can’t we?

How could you let me go…)

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

If I could be anything I’d be your underwear. I’d spend all day just hugging you with a wide-eyed happy stare.

Please don’t try to change me. Let me be your only pair. You can take me off to wash me. But please handle me with care.

And before you put me on each morning… And you take me off at night… Just promise me that you’ll always love me too and you’re not a hermaphrodite.

Yes… If I could be anything I’d be your underwear. I’d spend all day just hugging you with a wide-eyed happy stare.

Words & Music by Matt Kaminsky

Well, I’m the type of guy who can settle down, but it doesn’t mean I won’t be foolin’ around. ‘Cause I like my sweets. I like to have me cake and eat it, too.  Well, what would you do? A piece of ass like this should be shared with you.

Well, well, well… Starkle, starkle, little twink. What the heck I are I think I need another martini. Put a second olive in my drink. Would ya, Buddy? Thank you, Buddy. A piece of ass like this ain’t afraid to stink.

Who wants a piece of me? Who wants a piece of me? I’ll get your drinks for free.  Who wants a piece of me?

Take a number. Form a line. One by one I’ll make you mine.  All you ladies drop your hubbies ’cause I got the only chubby that can make you feel so fine.

I pull my hands from my pocket, put my finger in your socket, and watch your body rock n’ roll.  And if you give me fifty dollars I am sure to make you holler. Make you tingle from your head to your toes.

‘Cause I’m a piece of ass and from the look of things you need a man like me to make you sing.

Who wants a piece of me? Who wants a piece of me? I’ll get your drinks for free. Who wants a piece of me?

Take a number. Form a line. One by one I’ll make you mine.  All you ladies drop your hubbies. I got the only chubby that can make you feel so fine.

I don’t know, but I would guess by the end of this song I’ll have you out of your dress.  I don’t know, but I foresee any one of you ladies comin’ home with me.

‘Cause I’m the type of guy who can settle down, but it doesn’t mean I won’t be foolin’ around. ‘Cause I like my sweets. I like to have me cake and eat it, too.  Well, what would you do? A piece of ass like this should be shared with you. A piece of ass like this should be shared with you. A piece of ass like this should be shared with you.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I’m Gonna Die You’re gonna too. But before we both go. I… love… meeeeeeeeeee…

Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah nah nah, I love me.

Nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah nah nah nah nah nah, I love me.

No-oh I don’t love you. No I lovvvvvvve Meeeeee.

Words & Music by Matt Kaminsky

I love you. I love you. I love you, but you’re not a Jew. So goodbye. Yes, goodbye. This is goodbye.

I love you. Punim, I love you. Yes I love you, but you’re not Jew.  So goodbye. Goodbye. Yes, Goodbye.

I’m not a Fagela, my Shayna Maidela. But you don’t eat Bagelas. So I’ll have ta V’Ahavta on my own.

I love you. But my mother would hate you. Then I’d have this guilt, too, because you’re not a Jew. So goodbye. Goodbye. Yes, goodbye.

Goodbye. Shalom I cry. My Christian Love.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I had this friend who said that when he died he wanted to be just like me. Mm-hm. But I don’t know if I wanna be like him. God I feel so alone. No one thinks the way I do.

And I knew a girl who was pretty to look at as long as you didn’t have eyes. Good god. If beauty’s skin deep then damn she had thin skin. God I feel so alone. No one thinks the way I do.

I will run down to the ocean. And I will split the sea in two. I will explode the moon and pull the sun and boil and burn the world.

La, la, la, la etc…

Yes, I will stand and push the buttons and the skies will fill with steel. Oh yes I will bomb and bomb and bomb and bomb and bomb and bomb and bomb. Oh-oh.

La, la, la, la etc…

And I’ve got these nightmares microfiched on my eyelids. I don’t speak BRAILLE but I listen to the voices in my head. I’m starting to rot and my inner child wants OUT! God I feel so alone. So many people and yet it’s true. No one thinks the way I do.

No one thinks the way I do.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

We’re a band and we’re called the Four Postmen. We wanna thank ya for comin’ to the show. We like to call ourselves the world’s greatest rock group. A 1,2,3 and a 5 and a 4.

I know sometimes it seems… like IT’S ALL ABOUT ME. But I’M YOUR MAN and you’re my woman. So come on Baby, won’t ya GIMME SOME SUGAR? I WANNA DANCE. Do you wanna join me? Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you, will you, will you join the dance?

Get off the stage! Stop yer singin’! When Irish Eyes are Smilin’… You suck!

WHAT CAN I DO TO CONVINCE YOU? That our team is RED HOT! Maybe one day we’ll birth the BABY JESUS. We’ll win THE LOTTO and we’ll move to RABBIT VALLEY. Ooh kooka lay kooka la kooka locka locka LO—-

Get off the stage! I’m tryin’ to get drunk! Down with the Postmen! Danny Boy!

The SUN comes up and the sun goes down! Cual es son la feche tu hermano es alto. LOST in VEGAS.  Lookin’ for my RIVER. I GOT me A TAN like David H. Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Maaaa – CATBOX!

Get off the stage! Off with their heads! Bring on the leprechauns! Green sleeves!

No more CRAZY LITTLE 5 YEAR OLD GIRLs! I’d have to be DRUNK to make love to you. To hell with you BLOOD SUCKIN’ POSTMEN. I’M GONNA DIE too but not before my GRANDMA. Help I’m stuck in an ANAL VICE.

Get off the stage! You take the high road! And I’ll take the back door! Get off the stage!

Shilelalee – shilackin! Please God, squash me with the Blarney Stone! For the Love of Erie!Get off the stage ya pansy, suckin’ U.S. Females! You’re like a black hole! You SUCK! For the sake of the baby Jesus bring on Bono! Sinead! Waterboys! Zamfir! Gene Kelley! Danny Kaye! Rose Marie! Little Bobby De Niro! Father Mickey O’ Rourke O’ Malley McMannis O’ Doodle, Mindy McConnel, Captain Bob Keeshan, Mc Duff, McDonald’s, McNuggets, a large POTATO famine fries and a bloody 69 cent ice cool! minty Shamrock Shake with a sprig a the friggin’ 4 leaf clover! – TO GO for the sake of the color GREEN and all red hot, red-blooded, green eyed, freckle-faced, red-headed lasses all cross the emerald skies from here to the bagpipin’ kingdom come, way oar to the end o’ the rainbow and the bleedin’ pot o’ gold Irish bullion rainin’ down upon the upturned mossy ‘eads a duh smokin’, glassy eyed bomb victims! Way kukka doodle diddle deedle daydle dairy dee tur upte ortum vessum nairy WEEBLE VORLUM VIFFER!!!!!…

A-1-2-3-4… Get off the stage! Get off the stage! Get off the stage!

Looking For Grandpa

SONG LYRICS

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I sent her out to find me an ocean. I sent her out said baby find me a stream. So blue and icy and oh so refreshing. Bring me the water that flows through your dreams. Where’s my river? Where’s his river? My big damn river?

I said get out and find me a volcano. A big ole’ mountain full a’ fire and steam. So hot and sweaty and so damn exciting, bring me the lava that flows through your dreams. Where’s my river? Where’s his river? My big damn river?

She searched in Aberdeen, Bali and Caracas, Dublin, England, Fiji, and Geneva and Havana, Indochina, Java, Kabul, Lagos and Malaysia, the Netherlands, Oslo, Prague, Quebec, Rhodesia and Samoa. Lookin’ for my river. Where’s his river? My big damn river?

Timbuktu, Uganda and Verona. Wakra, Xinyang, Yemen and all thru Zaragoza and finally she came home exhausted and dejected, she’d seen it all and done it all and just as I expected NO RIVER. Where’s my river? She couldn’t find my RIVER!

That night she cooked me up my favorite supper, she rubbed my feet and wore a skimpy negligee. We made sex and she told me that she loved me, and though I tried to hold it back I had to say:

WHERE’S MY RIVER? MY BIG DAMN RIVER? WHERE’S MY RIVER? MY BIG DAMN RIVER? WHERE’S MY RIVER? MY BIG DAMN RIVER? WHERE’S MY RIVER? MY BIG DAMN RIVER? WHERE’S MY RIVERRRRRRRRRRR?

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

She said run thru the alleyway. Run ahead don’t worry, I’ll be fine. If you stop and wait, then we’ll both be caught. Outrun ’em cause this ain’t your time.

I see the blind woman polishin’ her glasses. I see the mouthless girl wishin’ she could scream. I see the young boy wishin’ he was older and the old guy sittin’ wishin’ life was just a dream.

I see a Mr. Loser sittin’ in his limo. I see the overturned, ice cream truck. I see the killin’ and the lootin’ and the stealin’. If one thing’s gonna change, then let it be my luck, but!

When I die, then I’ll know, I’ll wave my white flag high. Until that day, get outa’ my face I’m gonna finish this life in the pouch of a kanga-

When I know why I’m here, I’ll wave my white flag high. Until that day, get outa’ my way I’m gonna finish this life in the pouch of a kanga-

When I die, then I’ll know, I’ll wave my white flag high. Until that day, get outa’ my face I’m gonna finish this life in the pouch of a kangaroo.

I never thought my life would go this way. I go where she goes. I do what she does.

Look at all the drinking people laughing and dancing. Bumper to bumper freeway commuters. Cybersex junkies at their computers. I hear sirens and I can’t help thinking of you.

She said run thru the alleyway. Run ahead don’t worry, I’ll be fine. If you stop and wait, then we’ll both be caught. Outrun ’em cause this ain’t your time.

I pass the fallen angel lying in the gutter. I see the reverend crying on TV. I see the anger in the eyes of the children and the guards at the prisons as they laugh and turn the key. I see the missles as they fire from their silos. I see the locks on the cages at the zoo I see the man standing in the mirror. I’m born and I’m here and there’s nothing I can do, but!

When I die, then I’ll know, I’ll wave my white flag high. Until that day, get outa’ my face I’m gonna finish this life in the pouch of a kanga-

When I know why I’m here, I’ll wave my white flag high. Until that day, get outa’ my way I’m gonna finish this life in the pouch of a kanga-

When I die, then I’ll know, I’ll wave my white flag high. Until that day, get outa’ my face I’m gonna finish this life in the pouch of a kangaroo.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

Words by Lewis Carroll. Music by Ken Weiler.

Will you walk a little faster?” said a whiting to a snail, “There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail. See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance! They are waiting on the shingle – will you come and join the dance?

Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance? Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?

“You can really have no notion how delightful it will be when they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!” But the snail replied “Too far, too far!” and gave a look askance — Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.

Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.

“What matters it how far we go?” his scaly friend replied. “There is another shore, you know, upon the other side. The further off from England the nearer is to France — Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance.

Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance? Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

It is day but the sun is gone. He stands all alone. Head full of grey skies, the cobblestone is damp.

His tongue wets the brass. The pipe waits for breath. And as his eyes close… he blows…

Blowin’ and dancin’ and hypnotizing. Eerie and sweet and oh so enticing. Luring them, taking them, lifting them up. Lining them up and leading them off.

Oh look at the way he makes the rats dance. Oh look at the way he makes the rats dance.

Big black fat ones, hairless red ones, baby greys and squeaking writhing foaming ones. The piper skips, he pipes and he plays. A carpet of vermin pulse at his heels.

Mesmerized they follow the leader over the fields and down to the sea. And just when it seems the spell can’t be broken the rats reveal that they were just jokin’. They form a circle round the clueless piper and on a cold cloudy beach they swarm on their lunch.

It is day and the sun is gone. This town is sleeping and from the sewers echos tiny high-pitched laughing…

Words & Music by Matt Kaminsky

Ask me out, I’ll say, “It’s great.” Why stay home and master beta-carotene equations from my science book when I can be with you? You, you, you, you, you, you, you.

My life is an open book of fairy-tales and dirty-looking magazines under my bed.  I love it when you give me headaches. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I’m Adonis. I’m the best. Epitome of happiness. Liposuction, I confess. A fantasy come true. I’m apples, peaches, pumpkin pie. Who wants to love me? Holler, “I”. I’ll thrust my lust upon you, but don’t ever piss me off ’cause I got a tan like David Hasselhoff.

I meet your dad, I meet your mom. I meet them with my clothes still on. Mom reaches out. She touches me. Dad gives in to his other tendencies. Please, please, please, please, please, please. We sit down. They touch my pecks. Then we proceed on having sexy talk which I take in stride. It’s Milton Bradley’s game of Life again. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Pam Anderson had Tommy Lee. That’s ’cause she rejected me. Now silicone repulses me unless it’s on myself. I’m apples, peaches, pumpkin pie. Who wants to love me? Holler, “I”. I’ll be your one and only, but don’t ever touch my coif. ‘Cause I got a tan like David Hasselhoff.

D, A, V, I, D, H, A, S, S, E, L, H, O, F, F

D, A, V, I, D, H, A, S, S, E, L, H, O, F, F

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I hear the ghosts of the butchered Indians riding their horses down the boulevards. Setting up their tee-pee’s on the sidewalks. Waitin’ for the rain.

I hear the ghosts of the butchered Indians dancing in the streets and singing their songs. Waitin’ for the rain.

There’s a knock at my door and I open it up. There’s a ghost standin’ there so I let him in. He’s a big tall man with copper skin. Colorful feathers and I can see right thru him.

He says I am the chief of the butchered Indians. We have come to take our land back. Oh we’re just waitin’ for the rain.

I look out the window. Lookin’ up at the sky. The storms clouds are forming. The rain starts to fall. I turn to the chief, but he’s no longer there. He’s outside dancin’ in the rain.

Down in the streets rivers of people float down the avenues. When will the rain stop?

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

She’s 17… and I’m in jail.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I wanna dance. Whaddya think about that? I gotta move. Do you wanna join me? I wanna move you. Whaddya think about that?

Say now now— Jump up baby gotta get it in gear. Gotta move it, gotta use it, gonna lose it, don’t care.

I ain’t got nothin’ other than nothin’. It’s gotta mean somethin’ though it feels like nothin’. So I work and I work—Off to work I go And I wake up tired and I move real slow.

Say now now— 9-5, 9-5, 9-5, 9-5, 9-5, 9-5, 9-5, 9-5, boy am I happy to be alive. Cause it’s 9-5, 9-5, 9-5, 9-5. Punch in, punch out, drive home, drive back …Heart Attack…heart attack.

Well, I’m alive 7 days though I live for 2 cause my boss owns 5 until I’m 62. Saturdays & Sundays are my only fun days. Holidays are double pay and light on the freeways. Overtime is same pay. All work and no play. Time drags on from pay day to pay day.

I wanna dance. Whaddya think about that?. I gotta move. Do you wanna join me? I wanna move you. Whaddya think about that?

Take it away boys!

Say now, now— Shuffle, twist, turn, bend, kick left, kick right. Butt in, butt out, clap-clap, head-snap. Sashay, pleeay, knee bends and back pain. Fan-kicks, achy-breaks, pelvic pumps & neck strain. Shake IT! Use IT! Grind IT! Move IT! I wanna dance!

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

Don’t ask me for anything you want now. Don’t ask me for anything you need. I’m not looking to lean on you honey. It’s all about me.

Keep on asking, just keep on asking. Keep on asking cause there’s nothing going on around here that will not go on without you. I know that’s hard to hear.

You wanna know when you can see me? I’m telling you I’m always free. I’m not looking to hook up with anyone. It’s all about me.

Keep on moving just keep on moving keep on moving cause you’re gonna have to move without me. Cause I’m not going anywhere. I got nowhere to be.

Don’t look to me for answers. Don’t expect me to have something to say. I don’t believe in anyone anymore. I don’t even believe in what I say. It’s just another day. Call me crazy.

It’s all about me. It’s all about me baby. It’s all about me.

Keep on talking just keep on talking. Keep on talking cause you’re doing just fine without me. Seems like you hear what you want to hear. Makes no difference to me.

Don’t look to me for answers. Don’t expect me to have something to say. I don’t believe in anyone anymore. I don’t even believe in what I say. It’s just another day. Call me crazy.

It’s all about me. It’s all about me baby. It’s all about me.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I got a kitty and when he gets hungry this is what he likes to say:

Maaa Maaa Maaa Maaa Maaa Maaa Maaa

I got a kitty and when he gets lonely this is what he likes to say:

Maaa Maaa Maaa Maaa Maaa Maaa Maaa

I got a kitty and when he gets thirsty this is what he likes to say:

Hand me the whisky, toss me my smokes and send in the mice!

Cat Box, Cat Box, Cat Box!

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

A mother and a father they went to a church and they got down on their knees and prayed.

And they said Please let our baby be Jesus. We’ll do all we can to raise him right.

And God said- Sure why not I guess it’s time to try again, but make him happy. Please make my boy happy. If you can. If you can. If you can.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

What can I do to convince you that everything I’m telling you is true? I said, what can I do to convince you that everything I’m telling you is true? Nothing. No no no no oh. Nothing.

My father bought me a telescope and I sort of wish he never had cause Iast night I saw something that sort of made me sad. You see way up high, beyond the sky where the moon floats quietly there’s an asteroid with an attitude and it’s headin’ towards my house.

My mother bought me a microscope and I sort of wish she never had cause Iast night I saw something that sort of made me sad. You see I’m suposed to have 46 chromosomes, but I only have 41. And this book I’m readin’ on chemistry says dead people have 42 Oh!

What can I do to convince you that everything I’m telling you is true?

My grandmother bought me a crystal ball and I’m really sort of glad she did cause last night I saw something that made me flip my lid. You see, I’m gonna be the father of your country in the year 2000 and 4.

Let me tell you what I believe. I don’t believe in raising taxes, I believe in God. I think everyone should have an equal chance in life provided you’re white and your parents are rich. I think men and women should be paid exactly the same as long as men make a whole lot more. I think homosexuality is A-Ok as long as it’s with somebody of the opposite sex.

What can I do to convince you that everything I’m telling you is true? I said, what can I do to convince you that everything I’m telling you is true? Nothing. No no no no oh. Nothing.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I bought you dinner…now its time to face the pillow.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

This is a song about bunnies.

“Not too long ago somebody came up to me and said, ‘Postman, if you’re gonna go to the trouble of openin’ up your mouth to sing, you might as well have something to sing about.’ I said, ‘Put on some pants!'”

There’s a valley where the rabbits live. It’s called “Rabbit Valley.” But you can’t go there. Unless you’re a rabbit. Then you can go there. But you’re not a rabbit. So you can’t go there. HEY! A-A E-E I-I O-O U! Those are the vowels.

Let’s just say sometimes you have to break the rules.

So I went there. Even though I’m not a rabbit. I wore a rabbit suit. To “Rabbit Valley.” …BUT THEY KNEW… I wasn’t a rabbit. So they beat me up. HEY! A-A E-E I-I O-O U! And sometimes Y!

I’m goin’ back to Rabbit Valley, but I’m not wearin’ no stupid rabbit suit either. I’m going back as a human being. I’m going back as a human being with dignity and pride. I’m going back as a man. I’m going back as a postman. I’m going back as a postman who just so happens to be a human being. I’m going back as a postman who just so happens to be a human being who just so happens to be carrying a big gun in his hand. HEY!

A-A E-E I-I O-O U!

My rabbit has a human foot on his key chain. That’s not the scary part. What I wanna know is what those keys are for.

It’s awfully quiet here in Rabbit Valley.

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

I’m your man. You’re my woman. I love you and you love me too. So why are you leaving me this way?

I’m so blue, I’m feeling green. My baby’s gone and I need some cream. Cause my coffee’s too hot and my baby she’s not around.

So strange my baby’s back in my mind. Why can’t she be you? So strange my baby’s back in my mind.

I’m so blue, I’m feeling green. My baby’s gone and I’m gonna scream. Not only did she leave me but she swore she’d never see me unless I got down on my knees and let her make me bleed.

So strange my baby’s back in my mind. Why can’t she be you? So strange my baby’s back in my mind.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I never said my father was a lumberjack I said my father had himself a heart attack he went outside to chop himself a pile a’ wood and all a’ sudden his heart went boom! Way-oh, Way-oh.

My mother was my source for strength and wisdom but that ended when she had herself an anneurism, her eyes bugged out and off shot her wig as her ears blew steam and her head grew big and I said, “What the hell is happening to my mama?”

I’m going to Vegas and I’m bringin’ my life savings gonna put it all down on one hand a’ Black Jack. I got a system, it’s double or nothin’, I’m gonna turn my life around…and around and around and around until I’m really lost.

I was a young impressionable kid of 5 when I realized, “Hey I’m alive!” But that means one day I’m gonna die—ooh that’s depressing. Ha! Ha!

On T.V. I see kids in the street with nothing to eat, they’re thin but fat and flies are eating them and I have to think if they’re REALLY hungry how come THEY’RE not eating the FLIES…HUH?!!!

The Republicans shout at the Democrats, the Democrats shout at the Republicans. We’re right, you’re wrong, we’re right, you’re wrong! Shut up and get rid of my national debt!!!!

There’s people who say they’ll support you, just as long as they don’t have to. You lose your job, you lose your wife, your best damn friend says, “Get a life!” Ok, I’ll take yours. Way-oh, Way-oh.

I asked my girl “Do you think I’m cool?” She said, “Who?” I said, “Me.” She said, “You? HARD-LEE!”

I’m going to Vegas and I’m bringin’ my life savings gonna put it all down on lucky Black 13. I got a system, it’s 36 to 1. I’m gonna turn my life around…and around and around…upside down.

I’m a pseudo-intellectual, wanna-be-political uniformed registered voter. Who’s just found out he can’t shout so loud that nobody will hear him. It is my dream that one of my screams will reach receptive ears. That some young babe will come my way and wipe away my tears. I’ll sit and drink and get real fat and sleep my life away. I’ll buy a guitar and join a band and THEN learn how to play. I’ll be real bad and sing dumb songs that people think are hip. I’ll come up here unprepared and leave my fly unzipped.

Oh my mom and dad will be impressed, but ONLY mom and dad. Cause mom and dad think everything their children do is rad. Oh I’ll get worked up and sorta’ loud and try ta’ start THE WAVE. And crowds will sit confused and bored and wish I’d leave the stage. And I’ll say, “Are ya havin’ fun?” and you’ll shout, “No we’re not!” And I’ll say, “Yeah, but aren’t we hot?” and you shout, “No you’re not.” And I’ll say, “Yeah, well listen here, I got some news for you.” We’re doin’ 90 songs tonight and this was #2.”

Way-oh Way-oh Way-oh Way-oh (8 count) Way-oh Way-oh.

© 1997 The Four Postmen Music Publishing (ASCAP)

Produced, Recorded, and Engineered by Paul Calder – Evil Troll Records

Cover Art drawn by Max Koch

Hit Record

SONG LYRICS

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I wake up and I am tired so I lie in bed and stretch cause I don’t wanna rush this day along. I breathe deeply as I lie there, sleep still holds me on the mattress, my eyes struggle as I try to start my day.

I sit up but I sit crooked, I sit crooked on the edge of the bed that holds the warmth from where I slept. I stumble out of focus to the bathroom where I lean before the toilet that I’ll clean when I’m awake.

I mutter neath the water as I sputter and I wonder how I got up outa bed and in the shower. Back in bed I end up lying, let my blankets do the drying, I lie naked, I lie sleeping…once again…

Oh, I just wanna sleep forever. Yes, I just wanna sleep forever. Wake me when it’s time to die.

Do you love me? Yes I love you. Can you show me? Yes I can but will you show me in a way that I’ll believe? I’ve been hurt and I’ve been loved but I don’t need that anymore. All I need is what I’ve got and nothing else.

I’m too dumb for you to fool me. I’m too old to play your games. If you wanna lie beside me that’s your choice. But I warn you not to touch me, there’s a chance that you might wake me and I’d rather be alone inside my head.

Oh I just wanna sleep forever. Yes I just wanna sleep forever. Wake me when it’s time to die.

I’m awake now and I’m listening to the voice inside my head that says I’ve gotta make the most of every day. So I stand before the mirror and I note my imperfections. I get dressed, I comb my hair – I’m out the door.

A couple cappuccinos and an hour in the sunshine and I’ve finally grown accustomed to today. It’s too late to go to sleep I’ll have to wait to live the dream and the reaper makes me live another day.

Oh I just wanna sleep forever. Yes I just wanna live forever. Wake me when it’s time to die.

Back in bed I end up lying, let my blankets do the drying, I lie naked, I lie sleeping…once again…

Yes, I just wanna sleep… forever. Yes, I just wanna sleep… forever. Yes, I just wanna sleep forever…

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

What’s your favorite #? What’s your favorite #? What’s your favorite #? What’s your favorite #, baby?

Now let me tell you ‘bout the future and where it all begun and why you ladies all agree your favorite number’s number one. You can call me johnny solo, Mr. single, Kid Alone. But if you really wanna call me, then call me on the phone.

Ring a ling a ling a, a ring a ding a ling… Ring a ling a ling a, a ding a ling…

Yo my homeies call me monkey and my mommy calls me ken, and if you wanna be my barbie then you gotta be a ten. I like to take my pick from a room full of strangers. I’m a little cassanova and a lotta lone ranger.

I’m a steamin’ locomotion of self promotion. I’m causin’ a commotion. Don’t get emotional. I make the motion of the big bad ocean. I’m a master of devotion, a love potion. Hand me the lotion, cause monkey’s got a notion.

Yo I got no money, you wanna play you gotta pay. I’m lover not a loser and I mean what I say. You’re my sugar-baby and there ain’t no exceptions. You buy the food and I’ll pop for contraception.

Hey now it’s time to wake up! Cock-a-doodle-doodle doo. What’s twice as good as 1? That’s right, it’s me, I’m #2. You can call me johnny duo, Mr. Double, Kid Romance. But rest assured, I want you for your brains and not what’s in your pants.

Want you for your brains, yeah right! Not what’s in your pants, yeah right!

Cause I’m hetero romeo a frickin’ homeo-pathic remedy for livin’ in the single life. With this ring I thee wed, and then we go to bed, knockin’ up the booty as husband and wife. I’m home honey smooch-smooch and then I pet the pooch. Hoochy-coochy coo. When’s the baby due?

Sure I’m full of myself and baby you can be too. All it takes is a yes and all your dreams’ll come true so vote for me and it’ll set the mood. You sit and watch while I dance in the nude. BARF!

No I ain’t no boobalito and no chimpanzee wasn’t born on a mountaintop in Tennessee, but I know a little bit about the birds and the bees. Give it up, nice ta meet ya, say hello to #3.

You can call me johnny triples, Mr. Trio, Kid Jerk. You might recognize me from the Poor Man’s Cirque. But enough let’s get in bed and go a little BeZerk. Lie down, start smilin’ cause it’s time to get to work.

HARD-HAT, HARD-HAT. Time to get to work. HARD-HAT, HARD-HAT. Don’t forget the condom.

I reach downtown and I touch your knees cause it’s time to give ya the third degree. Girl, I aim to please and I guarantee to bring on a little atomic ecstasy.

I’m a mumbler and grumbler and a big old bad cucumber. I’m a juggler and a rumbler and I like to bring the lumberrrrr – JACK!

When you add it up. There’s a number in your head. It’s 1 to 3 and I bet it’s me. When you add it up.

Yo baby! I get you worked up good and you’re screamin’ all atonal and your motor’s stuck in 5th and you’re gettin’ all hormonal, cause you’re moanin’ and you’re breathin’ and the fire in you is seethin’ and it’s me that you be needin’ and you’re itchin’ to be dancin’ with the master of romancin’ and I’m grindin’ and we’re groovin’ and your control that’s what you’re losin’ and your body starts a shakin’ and you’re the eggs to my bacon and we’re makin’ makin’ makin’ makin’ IT! OOOHHHHH! What’s your favrit # baby?

Girl you take control, you know it’s time, the time is now, you wanna tie me to the bed and then you’ll show me show me how, you want it done, you want it now, you got that look in your eyes… say baby Shhh… Ohhh Say baby, Shhh… Oooohhhh… Girl you take control, you know it’s time, the time is now, you wanna tie me to the bed and then you’ll show me show me how, you want it done…you want it done….to you. What’s your favrit # baby?

I lie you down in a bed full of roses then we wrestle and we fight and give each other bloody noses, I like it when you bite me, but I hate it when you chew, cause it means you’re leavin’ holes and you’re not supposed to. We sweat and we spit and you scratch up my back and in the middle of a sex-inflicted heart attack, you stand up on my face and you cannonball my sack. Excruciating pain is an aphrodesiac? What’s your favrit # baby?

When you add it up. There’s a number in your head. It’s 1 to 3 and I bet it’s me. When you add it up.

Now #2 he sides with #1 when arguin’ with 3 cause see yo 1 + 2 is 3 all right and 3 on 3 is right, but see if 2 agreed with 3 you see then 2 + 3 is 5! and 5 on 1 I’m sad to say is just not right. Word 6! Hi mom.

When you add it up. There’s a number in your head. It’s 1 to 3 and I bet it’s me. When you add it up.

I’m a one way street. I’m a one trick pony. I’m a big hunk a cheese and you’re my macaroni. I ain’t Oscar Mayer, but I’ll give you my baloney.

It’s all for one and all for me. Sex and lovin’ is a two way street. I ain’t Oscar Mayer, but I’ll give you my meat.

Now it’s time to pick and it’s time to pick one. Now it’s time to choose and I know you’ll choose two. I ain’t Oscar Mayer, but I’ll give you my baloney.

When you add it up. There’s a number in your head. It’s 1 to 3 and I bet it’s me. When you add it up.

Everybody say 1! Give it up for 2! Let me hear you say 3! What’s your favrit’ # baby?

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

Whatever happened to the chain saw juggler? He was a good friend of mine. And how did you learn to kiss like that? Said the man to his German Shepard.

It’s not polite to talk when your mouth is full of big bumble bees. But it’s quite ok to love your mom… as long as you don’t get her pregnant…

La, la ….etc. There’s something wrong with this song…

Cross my heart? Yes! Stick a finger in my eye? No. But, WIFE I’m telling the truth. I slept with your sister, your mom and your dad and the 2nd best sex was you!

Rub a dub 3 men in a tub… need I say more… And Jack Sprat could eat no fat… So he divorced her….

I know that there’s something wrong with this song. I just don’t know what it could be. Yes, I know that there’s something wrong with this song. I just don’t know what it could be.

Where were we? Oh yeah, right… Meanwhile…

Whatever happened to the chain saw juggler? He was a good friend of mine. I heard he died, but nobody cried, instead they all chopped off their arms.

Oh well…When in Rome….

Non compos mentis persona non grata in vino veritas ad hoc. E Plurbis Unum… If To Err is Human, then boy am I glad WE’RE in charge!

A Buddhist, a Muslim, a nun and a Jew were stuck in a hot air balloon. It suddenly popped and though they prayed as it dropped. It proves that God hates us all!

La, la ….etc. There’s something wrong with this song…

And as the wise man stood atop the mountain, naked and disgusting and naked he defiantly shouted down to the angry villagers! He said, “You may have won the battle, but I’m out of ammunition! He said, “Life isn’t a bowl of cherries! It’s… it’s… ok, maybe it IS!” He said, “It’s not the size that counts, it’s the woman that counts the size!” He said, “You can’t sue yourself for writing an unauthorized autobiography!” He said, “If at first you don’t succeed… you’re a God-damned loser!” He said, “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s whether I win or lose! He said, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater…unless it’s floating face-down.” He said, “If you can’t beat ‘em, let ME beat ‘em!” He said, “You can tell a lot about a man by how he strangles you.” And lastly he said, “Fight for Peace!” “Make love not war! ….Unless you love to kill!” And as they stormed the mountain and kicked him to death he said one more thing, he said, “Ow, that hurts, stop, ow, damn, shit! Help! Help!” And as the Martian sat and waved from the driver’s seat window of his hovering Martian Space ship he offered these parting words of advice, he said: “Do yourself a favor! And Stop this God-damned SONG!”  But we couldn’t cause we still didn’t know…

Whatever happened to the chainsaw juggler? He was a good friend of mine. I heard he died, but nobody cried, instead the all chopped off their arms. Well that sure makes sense, he was loved by his fans, but tell me how did he die? Nobody knows, they found him alone. All bloody with his arms by his side.

I know that there’s something wrong with this song. I just don’t know what it could be. La, la ….etc. There’s something wrong with this… SOMETHING wrong with this… SOMETHING wrong with this… SOMETHING wrong with this… song.

Words by Matt Kaminsky & Stefan Marks.  Music by Matt Kaminsky.

She was a dame who wore red. She was flashy, Baby. Sex was a game that played and won. I couldn’t keep my eyes of her body, buddy. I just wish she’d take a look at me for a change.

I can spot you with precision anywhere that you might be. I’m a guy with X-ray vision. You can hide, but I still see your nooks and your crannies, your newly showered fannies, your 18-year-old Swedish nannies, too. I got my eye on you.

She was a dame who wore red. She was flashy, Baby. Sex was a game that played and won. I couldn’t keep my eyes of her body, buddy. I just wish she’d take a look at me for a change.

I don’t have to hide in bathrooms to get a glimpse of what you got. I can watch you in the open without fear of being caught. Your curves and your swerves, how they help to calm my nerves. Forgive me, what’s a boy supposed to do? I got my eye on you.

When we talk, don’t be surprised if I don’t look into your eyes. If I choke or fail to breathe it’s ’cause I see what’s underneath.

I don’t have to go to Vegas for a naked girly bar. Every day’s a Playboy movie.  Every day a different star. Judge me if you will.  I admit that it’s a thrill. Am I guilty for indulging as men do? I got my eye on you. I got my eye on you. I got my eye on you.

She was a dame who wore red. She was flashy, Baby. Sex was a game that played and won. I couldn’t keep my eyes of her body, buddy. I just wish she’d take a look at him for a change. Look at him.

I got my eye on you.

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

It doesn’t matter what you say.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I went to school — been out for a while now I walk through life with a big dumb smile. I know a lot, but it’s all old news, so the jokes on me – Please point and laugh.

in the mind in the brain in the place where I sit and I think and my brain cells die. I try to think but I don’t know how so I let it all out with a big dumb sigh…

I didn’t know I’d be held accountable for everything I did before I met you. If I’d known, I’d have done more wrong cause it doesn’t matter now and I might as well of had fun.

Time drags but they say it’s gonna fly as i try to move on, as i try to get by. They talk, but nobody knows and although they say it will, it’ll never be all right…

But at least I have our memories… I hope to reminisce one day. But I don’t know where you went to and I did not get a chance to say goodbye to you.

Iiiiiiiii Iiiiiiiii

Gotta know where you gonna go and what you’re gonna do – better think fast. Everyday flies by and then you’re life becomes the past – what happened? How the hell did I become the parents to my kids? – when did I stop growing?

Gotta choice, gotta choose, hear the voice, don’t lose your sense of humor. Sunrise, sunset, better fret, did you get it all done? – cause you can’t out-run the sun. Hurry up, slow down, wake up cause it’s time to go to sleep better luck in the next life.

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

Na na na na na na na na na na nowww

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

Na na na na na na na na na na now now now now now now nowwwww

Iiiiiiiii Iiiiiiiii

Gotta know where you gonna go and what you’re gonna do – better think fast. Everyday flies by and then you’re life becomes the past – what happened? How the hell did I become the parents to my kids? – when did I stop growing?

Gotta choice, gotta choose, hear the voice, don’t lose your sense of humor. Sunrise, sunset, better fret, did you get it all done? – cause you can’t out-run the sun. Hurry up, slow down, wake up cause it’s time to go to sleep better luck in the next life… Better luck in the next life…

Iiiiiiiii Iiiiiiiii

Please God kill us all. Flood the world and soak the ball… Start Fresh, clean the slate – it’s time to underpopulate. In the time in the clock in the face in the hands of the God that we hope to meet… we live a life and stumble blind and we pray in the end that we’ll finally see…today’ll be yesterday tomorrow, just be patient and you’ll see. Focus on the time you think you have… cause you will not get a chance to say good bye to her.

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

Words & Music by Brett Pearsons

Now if Gentleman A is traveling by aeroplane at 500 miles an hour going from LAX to Tulsa, Oklahoma
And if Woman B is traveling by a train
At 89 miles an hour going from NYCGC to Tulsa, OK
So if Gentleman A is leaving LA at 4pm pt
Approximately 44 hours before Woman B is leaving New York

Well then when will Gentleman A and Woman B meet?
I hope the answer is TRU LUV
If not X divided by Y take away Z
Will be exactly what I feel like a Zero
I don’t know what the heck is an X anywhy?
Besides a boy or girl who tells you bye bye bye
Oh oh oh. Oh oh oh

Now seconds feel like minutes feel like hours feel like days

Back to work
Now Delta s divided by Delta t (not the airline)
Subtract velocity and take the whole thing and divide it again by time
Now the answer you get from all this mess is acceleration
Don’t ask me how that is cause all these Goddamned physics are making me feel sick
But you see, A and B made a really big deal to meet half way across
The 48 United States to test the theory of mathematical love

When will Gentleman A and Woman B meet?
I hope the answer is TRU LUV
If not Force divided by Mass take away Small a
Will be exactly what I feel like a big, fat Zero
I don’t know what the heck is an X without an O
Besides a kiss or hug but not both
Oh oh oh. X X X

Now the Xs and the Ys and the Zs and the Vs fight the Cosines and the Sines and the Tangents and Degrees what’s the Coefficient of the non-existent non-entity?
(I’m in love with Woman B)

Will then when will Gentleman A and Woman B meet?
I hope the answer is TRU LUV
If not X divided by Y take away Z
Will be exactly what I feel like a Zero
I don’t know what the heck is an X anywhy?
Besides a boy or girl who tells you bye bye bye

When will Gentleman A and Woman B meet?

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I Wanna Be Someone Who Gives A Damn. Someone who cares what he does while he’s here. And— I Wanna Meet Someone Who Gives A Damn. Someone who cares what she does while she’s here.

There are things that I must say. There are things that I must do. Before I go. Before I’m gone.

And while I’m here. I’m gonna try to make some thing of my life. Before I go. Before I’m gone.

Because that crazy God he went and left me. All alone in world without directions. He took the things I loved and he left the things I hate.But, I’m on my way. Cause…

There are things that I must say. There are things that I must do. Before I go. Before I’m gone.

And while I’m herrrrrrrre. I’m gonna try to make some thing of my life. Before I go. Before I’m gone.

Because that crazy God he went and left me. All alone in world without directions. He took the things I loved and he left the things I hate. But, I’m on my way. Cause…

I Wanna Be Someone Who Gives A Damn. Someone who cares what he does while he’s here. And— I Wanna Meet Someone Who Gives A Damn. Someone who cares what she does while she’s here.

There are things that I must say. There are things that I must do. Before I go. Before I’m gone. Before I go. Before I’m gone. Before I go. Before I’m gone.

Words & Music by Matt Kaminsky

I am a man and I have my needs, yet firmly I stand though you’re beggin’, you’re beggin’, you’re begin’ for me to hold you. I can’t control you. But if push comes to shove I think I’d have to be drunk to make love to you.

I’m cold as ice and you hold a flame, but my body thinks twice before giving in and melting away. I told you I can’t control you. Yes you think that I’m tough. But I think I’d have to be drunk to make love to you.

You ask me, “Am I able?” I am very, very capable of doing what you want me to do. Oh, I’m not naive. I refuse to believe that I am the only one.

But I’m just a man and I have my needs. I take what I can ’cause there’s only so long without some release from tension. I shouldn’t mention that enough is enough. Still I think I’d have to be drunk to make love to you. Enough is enough is enough. It’s time to make love to you.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I am sad that I must say good-bye to you. Another day has passed and yet I feel I did not do the things you asked me to. So try I must to do my best, for I must pass the final test. And if I win we’ll celebrate by being anti-celibate.

Oh please LET ME MAKE YOU SWEAT, PLEASE LET ME MAKE YOU MOAN! PLEASE LET ME MAKE YOU smile in BED! I’m sorry, that was inappropriate…

I love you and you love you and one day I hope you’ll love me, but til that day I realize that I can’t go between your thighs. I’m sorry that I sung that line. I know you don’t like when I say the word thighs especially your thighs it’s just I’m really kinda curious.

I love walking hand in hand, I just wish that as a man I could bite you on the neck and leave hickeys on your back. Kiss you, bite you, pull your hair, see you in no underwear. Grab your body, pull you close, squeeze your butt and lick your nose.

Please LET ME MAKE YOU SWEAT, PLEASE LET ME MAKE YOU MOAN! PLEASE LET ME MAKE YOU smile in BED! I know I did it again, I promise, just give me one more chance sweet heart. I’m thinking of a cold shower. I’m thinking of an ice cold shower. Brr… See. All gone.

I respect you and I hope that one day I’ll learn to cope with the choices that you’ve made and your sexual barricades. Boy I really like to talk while we walk and walk and walk, but one day I’d like to run just let loose and have some fun. Party dance and drink too much, sit too close and start to touch. Kiss and kiss and breathe real hard lose the brain and find the heart. Close our eyes and disappear, find the nerve and lose the fear. What’s so wrong with loving you and showing you a thing or two?

I wanna stand and drop my pants and do a sexy naked dance. I wanna growl and pose and flex and add an X to triple X. I am Tarzan you are Jane and now it’s time to NOT abstain. You are woman hear me roar – it’s me knocking at your door. Knock knock knock I’m coming in, with a huff and a puff on your chinny chin chin. Fee fi foe and a bottle of rum, I’m gonna make yer body go numb. Hey diddle said the cat to fiddle, makin’ your skin hot as a griddle. I WANNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU!!!! PLEASE LET ME HAVE SEX WITH YOU!!!!

Oh please LET ME MAKE YOU SWEAT, PLEASE LET ME MAKE YOU MOAN! PLEASE LET ME MAKE YOU smile in BED!

Oh please LET ME MAKE YOU SWEAT, PLEASE LET ME MAKE YOU MOAN! PLEASE LET ME MAKE YOU smile in BED!

And that was my FINAL damn offer.

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

Back in the stone age when man was a monkey he dreamed one day that he’d ride a donkey across the world from country to country, evolving all the way…

He spent his days lookin’ for food. Huntin’ through the bushes all hairy and nude. Killin’ and spearin’ and actin’ real rude, but evolving all the way… Cause—

He is the future of man! He’ll do whatever he can to procreate and to civilize the rest of the world, one at a time…

But this monkey man he needs a lady monkey to be his partner and his friend. And he must treat her well and raise a monkey family to make a link to modern man.

So he stood straight and he chose his mate but she said no and sent him on his way. So he went back home and alone in his cave… well, he didn’t make a child.

He got scared as he realized that he needed a baby before he died or this’d be it and although God’d tried! The end of modern life. Cause—

He is the future of man! He’ll do whatever he can to procreate and to civilize the rest of the world, one at a time…

For even if he’s the chosen one he needs a chosen two to help him make the chosen three or else there’ll never be a four.

So the monkey man he swallowed his pride and he lowered his standards for his monkey bride. He searched all day and he searched all night lookin’ for a girl to take a donkey ride.

He finally found one and he said she’ll do and she nodded her head and grunted I do too.  And on that blessed day the monkeys were wed and then they ran back to his cave and got into bed.

Back in the stone age when man was a monkey he dreamed one day that he’d ride a donkey across the world from country to country evolving all the way…

He spent his days lookin’ for food. Huntin’ through the bushes all hairy and nude. But now he’s got a girl and a new attitude – he’s evolving all the way… cause—

He is the future of man! He’ll do whatever he can to procreate and to civilize the rest of the world, one at a time… To fill up the world, one at a time.. To make a buncha monkeys, one at a time…

Words & Music by Brett Pearsons

He lifted up his body and he walked towards her. She lifted up herself and walked away. He looked up and he noticed and he walked towards her. And she walked away from where they were. So he sat down and she walked away.

Cause she walks when he walks her way. And when he stops she stops and smiles. And when he runs she runs away. And when he runs the other way she does too, but she don’t need to run away.

So he chased her one last time and she didn’t even look. To see he was struck down by the bus she took. No, she continued to walk from the spot where he lay. No, she didn’t even go to his funeral.

Cause she walks when he walks her way. And when he stops he stops and smiles. And when he runs she runs away. And when he runs the other way she does too. But she don’t need to run away.

So he rose from the grave and she paused a sec. While he walked away from the dead. So she slowed her walk and the zombie man
came to her but she didn’t walk away. And when they held they were heard to say. And when they held they were heard to say. And when they held they were heard to say…

Cause she walks when he walks her way. And when he stops she stops and smiles. And when he runs she runs away. And when he runs the other way she does too, but she don’t need to run away.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

Why? How? Who? Cares…

Why do you look the way you do? Why do you look at me that way? Why did you cut your hair? I liked it more the other way… Why do you ask me how I am? Why should I know how I am? Why don’t you tell me how you are? Cause I already know…

Why did you leave me? Why didn’t I leave? Why did we stay together all of those years? Why did we run out of nice things to say? Why? How? Who? Cares…

How come we met? How come we smiled? How come we laughed and cried and hugged? How come we kissed and made some love that couldn’t stand the sight of us…

How come we cared? How come we worked so hard to pay the bills we made… How come we tried and tried and tried but in the end we failed and failed and failed and failed and failed and failed and failed and failed?

Answer me because I’ve got more questions than I’ll ever answer I can’t figure out the truth.

Why? Who really knows? Who really cares? Who really wants? Who really needs? Who really feels? Who really lives? Who really bleeds?

Who runs the world? Who makes them run? Who gave them legs? Who gave them brains to make the legs do all that running?

Who knows the meaning of his life? Who’s smart enough to keep his wife from fleeing?

Answer me because I’ve got more questions than I’ll ever answer I can’t figure out the truth. Answer me because I’ve got more questions than I’ll ever answer I can’t figure out the truth.

Why? How? Who? Cares…

Words & Music by Geoff Dunbar

I’m sitting in my grandma’s rocking chair. Thinking ‘bout the time I’ve spent and how I got no-where. I’ve had a few old ladies, call me now and then. But all I really needed was a friend.

‘Cause I’m looking for a girl to call my own. Not someone who’s always on the phone. O’ Lord, please he’p me, I’m in dire need. Gotta have a girl that I can squeeze.

I’m sitting in my grandpa’s Chevrolet. Singing to myself about the passing of a day. I go by the places where she and I had been. But all I really need is just a friend.

‘Cause I’m looking for a girl to call my own. Not someone who’s always on the phone. O’ Lord, please he’p me, I’m in dire need. Gotta have something that I can squeeze.

There is something missing from my lonely life. Thought I loved a lady, thought I had a wife. Never have I been so sad, never so alone. Looks like it’s time to go back home.

‘Cause I’m looking for a girl to call my own. Not someone who’s always on the phone. O’ Lord, please he’p me, I’m in dire need.Gotta have a girl that I can… Gotta have a girl that I can… Gotta have a girl that I can Squeeeeeeeeeeeze!

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

Oh…

Who’s making these horrible movies that they show on the big movie screens? They chase and they crash and they dumb it all up and I sit and I watch the credits. I watch to see who played that part so badly. I wonder why I can’t be a movie star too. I sometimes audition for low budget equity waiver. I just want a chance to prove that I can suck too.

OH…Who’s making these horrible movies that they show on the big movie screens? They charge more and more but they give less and less and I sit with my date and I suffer. Why must I watch Battlefield Earth?

The script was written in crayon… the script was written in crayon… the script was written in crayon… the script was written in crayon…

FADE IN: INT. Movie studio. Big important meeting with big important people. We just optioned this original-adaptation, totally independent, big- studio, high concept, low budget art house spec script. Brand new. Been in development for 25 years. Working title is “Kill me Now”. I just read the 1st draft treatment and it’s not very good, but we can fix it in post. It’s real gen-x and noisy with all that wacky surround sound and the THX Dolby and I must say, I see several sequels and at least 1 or two prequels. The dope sheet on this baby got it the green light. All the trades smell a bidding war. Jump Cut to the festivals, ok? Two words: Cha Ching.

Our best boy wrote the script, he’s a 20 year old former key grip and he used to work on the casting couch, so he’s got ancillary rights and wants contingent compensation on the back-end. (WINK.) Picture this: Extreme Close-up of some famous actor, ad-libbing. We shoot it guerrilla, hand- held, cinema Verite, no protagonist, no antagonist, no character arcs, no plot, no subplots, no B story, no denouement: just avant garde montages of a beautiful, emaciated 16 year old supporting cast and we fire off a few squibs in the car chase scenes. Did somebody say McDonald’s? OK?

We split the merchandising with a fast-food joint and they pass off our crappy worthless toys for 99 cents with each combo, plus we get to advertise for free on the soda cups. Which brings us to the Love scene – hire a pair of great boobs for the body double, stand above on the bed and shoot it all POV and OTS in stop motion steadicam. When we sell the foreign distribution we can dump everything on D1, dub it in German, make it letterbox, add sub-titles and hock a DVD of the frickin’ director’s cut.

The cast is willing to work for scale cause we pitched it as an “Oscar contender” and most of them are stupid, desperate has-beens anyway. The directors’ willing to work for deferred compensation, but I don’t think we need a director on this one, it pretty much “directs itself.” We’ll just send a PA up to Canada to shoot the principal photography on a Sony digacam.

I’ve got an idea for a movie. All it needs is a bankable cast. It’ll open up labor day weekend and we’ll sit and cut coke on the glass.

We can save money on sound too, make it a silent film, pretend we did it on purpose who cares? Let’s go black and white. Shoot the fight scenes in claymation. It doesn’t matter. We can do the post production in a slave labor camp on a video toaster in Taiwan. What the hell?

The MPAA wants to give us an NC-17 which is the kiss of frickin’ death. They’ll only give us the “R” if we cut out some of the decapitations.

I say we storyboard the trailer. Shoot it BEFORE we make the film, see how it plays in a test market, make it kinda MTV, think Dawson’s Creek, real young and anamorphic, no old people, slap the clapstick, soft light the depth of field, put some nose grease on the diopter, sync it, rack focus, splice the iris, hire a gaffer, orange stick most of the M.O.S., sprocket a blue filter, tinker with the F-Stop, rotoscope the wet gates, bootleg a workprint and most important, kiss the studio’s ass and hope they like it.

Zoom in, zoom out, ADR, add the Foley, Gobo the bolex, load the mags, pan and scan, sweeten the dailies, sandbag the licensing and get this baby in the can. We’ll get Elton John to barf out the soundtrack, package the whole thing pro rata, and most important kiss the studio’s ass and pray they like it. If it sucks, we cut our throats, call it a life and it goes direct to video. No big deal.

Ohh…

Who’s making these horrible movies that they show on the big movie screens? They chase and they crash and they dumb it all upand I sit and I watch the credits. I watch to see who played that part so badly. I wonder why I can’t be a movie star too. I sometimes audition for low budget equity waiver. I just want a chance to prove that I can suck too.

OH…Who’s making these horrible movies that they show on the big movie screens? They should do us a favor and blow out their brainsin the back of their big limousines… in the back of their big limousines… in the back of their big limo—

CUT! IT’S A WRAP! We’re not done.

© 2001 The Four Postmen Music Publishing (ASCAP)

Produced, Recorded, and Engineered by Paul Calder – Evil Troll Records

Cover Art by Ethan Kaminsky – Kaminsky Productions

5-Pack Volume 1

SONG LYRICS

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

Another Wednesday night in my hometown. Just picked my buddy Devon up off the ground. There’s this girl see, one for him and one for me. Gotta stop this boredom from destroying me.

People ask me if I’ll stay or if I’ll go. I look deep into their eyes and say “I don’t know.” I don’t care if you think that I am queer. I rock the Karaoke Kasbah with no fear.

I wanna sing as high as Sting, I wanna live that rock star dream. If I don’t win a gold Grammy I’d be happy to be crowned Karaoke King.

Feels like I’m living on the set of Cheers. All my friends are here laughing and drinking beers. My girlfriend thinks that I am living like a child. Looks like my baby just ain’t Born To Be Wild.

I wanna have hot groupie sex, I wish that I was in Aerosmith. I will fulfill this fantasy and I will rule as Karaoke King.

It’s in the way that I move. it’s in the way that I groove. It’s in the songs that I sing. It’s not about the voice it’s all about the choice and of course how you twerk your thing.

Now that I’m 69 and getting up in years, I think of all my wives and all of my careers. But there’s one thing that still brings me to tears. I won Karaoke Fest for 45 straight years.

I wanna sing as high as Sting, I wanna live that rock star dream. If I don’t win a gold Grammy I’d be happy to be crowned Karaoke King.

I wanna have hot groupie sex, be Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. I will fulfill this fantasy, if I have to become the Karaoke, I will be Karaoke, I am The Karaoke King.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

Mind over matter though this bed it could be better I gotta better things to do than stay awake and not forget her… Everytime I sleep I dig it just a little deeper… buryin’ the marryin’ ideas cause I can’t keep her…

I pray each night as I lie down to sleep that if there is a God he will finally reach down thru the clouds and into my bed and mother me or smother me and leave me for dead… Dear Lord up in the sky, Let tonight be the night I die… Go ahead I dare you…

Cause I’m so tired of sleepin’ on a… Bed a nails… I lie on… On a… Bed a nails… I live on…

I was a man who used to think that things just happened randomly. But now I see that I can’t see what I thought I saw happenin’ to me. So I made my bed in which I lie. And I focused hard and I tried and I tried to be positive oh so positive I am positive… that it’s not working…

They told me that’d I have to change… That the struggles were deep within my brain… I see the world a certain way… But it’s not the way it is… No I am wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong… Oh so wrong… It’s like jumpin’ up and down on a Bed a nails… I lie on… On a… Bed a nails… I live on everyday.

Look don’t touch you must commit… One and only is all you get. But she’s so sexy… She is too… And her and her and her and her… her and her and her and her… Her and her and her and her and her and her and her and her… What am I supposed to do?

I may be lonely, but I’d rather be alone than be with her and have her hate me and then one day I’d hate me too. Things were good and things were bad then good again and not so good. Bad, good, good, bad, badder, better, not good, not much better, bad, worse, badder, baddest, fine…

Say what you want about me. Do what you want without me. Can you see a life without me? Cause I’m lookin’ at a life without you.

Wanna, gotta, gotta, wanna what I feel… Gotta, wanna, wanna, gotta what I need… Wanna kiss her, gotta kiss her, wanna touch her, gotta touch her…It’s like makin’ love on a…

Bed a nails… I lie on… On a… Bed a nails… I live on everyday

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

Can’t u just tell me how you want me to be… where you want me to stand, what you want me to wear… Run it down for me one more time… What you want me to think and what you want me to say… Take my keys and get in the driver’s seat cause you’re driving me insane.

Why do I need to be me when we can both be you?

We met, now I gotta meet yer friends, meet mine. Gotta like ‘em, if you don’t that’s fine. Yeah right… Date, date…r u my mate…? Or is it time to take a break?

Ya got… every right to be yourself but let’s leave the books on the ole’ book shelf. I don’t wanna hear how I’m s’posed to be. All the rules I’m breakin’ is makin’ me me.

What do I see in you? And what the hell do you see in me? Why do I need to be me when we can both be you?

Complexity is sexy but I have to simplify. I can see the damage that’s it’s doing to my mind. Too many colors in the rainbow. Too many channels on the ole’ tv. Too much yet not enough. Come on baby set me free.

Do you think it was a good idea to say yes when I asked you out? I always get lost when I follow my heart. Cupid throw a hatchet and cut us apart. I’m the corpse in the passenger seat. Please somebody rescue me. Do you wanna take a nice long drive in a car that used to me mine? We can round the bend and meet our end. Aim for the guard rail and let’s fly.

Not only can’t I be you but if I stay I can’t be me…

Can’t u just tell me how you want me to be… where you want me to stand, what you want me to wear… Run it down for me one more time… What you want me to think and what you want me to say… Take my keys and get in the driver’s seat cause you’re driving me insane.

Why do I need to be me when we can both be you?

Words & Music by Matt Kaminsky

The corner coffee shop. It is my favorite stop.  There is a coffee girl. Behind the counter she makes my Frappuccinos in her little apron. I feel movement in my Chinos every time she sprays the whip cream. And sometimes she spills it over and it drips on down the cup. Although she thinks that no one’s looking I watch her slowly lick it up.

And the smell of Juan Valdez is in the air. I picture wind blowin’ through her hair. But when she hands it to me I just stare. And she says, “Thank you, Mister. That’ll be $3.50, please.” I hate when hot chicks call me mister.  I’d like to see her on her knees. Yes, this Coffee Girl can grind my beans whenever she do please.

She’s the Coffee Girl. And my blood’s percolating for the Coffee Girl. And I’m anticipating something hot here is brewing, though I don’t know what I’m doing ’cause I never have a second cup at home. I’m just tired of being alone. I wanna be with Coffee Girl.

I wanna French Roast her mouth ’cause I like her lips a latté. I am Chock Full Of Nuts for her heavenly body. She is this Taster’s Choice. I’d like to breathe her sweet aroma. Come on over. Coffee Girl…come on over.

But in the coffee shop she’s making coffee for the other patrons. She don’t notice that my face is smashed against the muffin counter in the hopes I’ll steal a peak of a different kind of muffin. Her skirt is short. My knees are weak. As my lips press hard against the counter glass I think I start to do something crass. Then Coffee Girl comes up to me at last.

And she says, “Excuse me, Mister. I’ll have to ask you to leave.” Again she calls me “Mister.” Oh my God, I can’t believe that this Coffee Girl can break my heart when my heart’s out on my sleeve.

She’s the Coffee Girl. And my blood’s percolating for the Coffee Girl. I’m still anticipating something hot will be brewing, though I don’t know what I’m doing ’cause I never have a second cup at home. I’m just tired of being alone. I wanna be with Coffee Girl. I’m gonna be with Coffee Girl. I want my good to the last drop girl.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

When you come to realize that all your friends are simply gonna die. And somewhere in between you’re gonna go too. Never leave home without your parachute.

You know you’re headed for the ground. There’s only one way down… Just use the open door. You gotta psych yourself up now. To risk your future but how do you count down to one?

Feels like my life is racin’ past me. Sorta feels like I’ve already jumped. The end is rushing up to meet me. Suddenly I’m falling… I am off… 4…

My girlfriend’s a girl, but she’s not my friend. One outa two ain’t bad when you get in bed. But it never seems enough at this altitude. So I never leave home without my parachute.

I wasn’t looking to escape. But when I saw her I knew I would never be the same. I’ll never have the love I want unless I lose the love I have. Am I counting down to one?

I’ve got no time to sit and waste. My life is falling through the sky. And it would make my landing easier if I could finally answer, “Why?”

When you come to realize that all your friends are gonna die…And somewhere in between you’ll go too…Don’t ever leave home without your parachute.

You know you’re headed for the ground but you can slow it down with a parachute. You gotta psych yourself up now to risk your future but how do you count down to one?

5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

© 2007 The Four Postmen Music Publishing (ASCAP)

Recorded & Engineered by Geoff Dunbar – GKD Studios

Cover Art by Ethan Kaminsky – Kaminsky Productions

5-Pak: Vol. 2

SONG LYRICS

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

Hit it! Unh unh… Oh no you’d didn’t. That’s what SHE said. Not if I see you first. Time for a postmen sing-a-long. Now in order to sing it. You gotta know it. So here we go. Lesson #1

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN AND A WOMAN LOVES A MAN AND THE MAN DOES WHATEVER THE MAN CAN TO MAKE SURE THE WOMAN LOVES THE MAN AS MUCH AS THE MAN LOVES THE WOMAN.

Whaddya think Kenny, you got it? I’m a quick learner, man.

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN AND A WOMAN LOVES A MAN AND THE MAN DOES WHATEVER THE MAN CAN TO MAKE SURE THE WOMAN LOVES THE MAN AS MUCH AS THE MAN LOVES THE WOMAN.

Pretty good, pretty good…. Matty? You ready to hop in? I thought you’d never ask…

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN AND A WOMAN LOVES A MAN AND THE MAN DOES WHATEVER THE MAN CAN TO MAKE SURE THE WOMAN LOVES THE MAN AS MUCH AS THE MAN LOVES THE WOMAN.

FAST BREAK IS THE PATH YOU TAKE WHEN YOU WANNA MAKE IT WITH A GIRL THAT YER LOVIN’. CLEAN BREAK IS THE PATH YOU TAKE WHEN YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH AND YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON.

I NEVER KNEW THAT IT COULD BE THIS WAY. I NEVER KNEW THAT IT COULD BE THIS WAY. I NEVER KNEW THAT IT COULD BE THIS WAY….THAT IT SHOULD BE THIS WAY.

All right we’re I’ it… Pretty good. Not bad. This side of the room is doing fantastic. Must be the female side. Cause we all know that women are more mature than men right? This time it’s for the ladies – whom I tryin’ to kid? It’s always for the ladies.… Everything’s the same except we flip it all – Now the woman’s doing the lovin – Ready? Here we go…

WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN AND A MAN LOVES A WOMAN AND THE WOMAN DOES WHATEVER THE WOMAN CAN TO MAKE SURE THE MAN LOVES THE WOMAN AS MUCH AS THE WOMAN – LOVES THE MAN

Flip it.

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN AND A WOMAN LOVES A MAN AND THE MAN DOES WHATEVER THE MAN CAN TO MAKE SURE THE WOMAN LOVES THE MAN AS MUCH AS THE MAN LOVES THE WOMAN.

Dance solo!

I love you more than life itself. But without life I’m without self. And without self I cannot love. I will not love you from above

I love you more than life itself. But without life I’m without self. And without self I cannot go. I will not love you from below.

All right… it seems like we’re not being completely fair here… so let’s end strong…

Kenny?

WHEN A MAN LOVES A MAN AND A MAN LOVES A MAN AND THE MAN DOES WHATEVER THE MAN CAN TO MAKE SURE THE MAN LOVES THE MAN AS MUCH AS THE MAN LOVES THE OTHER MAN.

Matty ?

WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A WOMAN AND A WOMAN LOVES A WOMAN AND THE WOMAN DOES WHATEVER THE WOMAN CAN TO MAKE SURE THE WOMAN LOVES THE WOMAN AS MUCH AS THE WOMAN LOVES THE OTHER WOMAN.

WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MAN AND A MAN LOVES A WOMAN AND THE WOMAN DOES WHATEVER THE WOMAN CAN TO MAKE SURE THE MAN LOVES THE WOMAN AS MUCH AS THE WOMAN LOVES THE MAN.

Everybody!

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN AND A WOMAN LOVES A MAN AND THE MAN DOES WHATEVER THE MAN CAN TO MAKE SURE THE WOMAN LOVES THE MAN AS MUCH AS THE MAN LOVES THE WOMAN.

FAST BREAK IS THE PATH YOU TAKE WHEN YOU WANNA MAKE IT WITH A GIRL THAT YER LOVIN’. CLEAN BREAK IS THE PATH YOU TAKE WHEN YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH AND YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON.

FAST BREAK IS THE PATH YOU TAKE WHEN YOU WANNA MAKE IT WITH A GIRL THAT YER LOVIN’. CLEAN BREAK IS THE PATH YOU TAKE WHEN YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH AND YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON.

I NEVER KNEW THAT IT COULD BE THIS WAY. I NEVER KNEW THAT IT COULD BE THIS WAY. I NEVER KNEW THAT IT COULD BE THIS WAY…THAT IT SHOULD BE THIS WAY.

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN AND A WOMAN LOVES A MAN AND THE MAN DOES WHATEVER THE MAN CAN TO MAKE SURE THE WOMAN LOVES THE MAN AS MUCH AS THE MAN LOVES THE WOMAN.

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

I’m not seriously ill. I’m just one of the wounded well. You don’t have to sympathize. Just realize that I’m not angry or upset. I’d just rather soon forget all the rules and controls you made me live by.

Dr. tell me… What do you see when you look deep inside me?

I’m not seriously ill. I’m just one of the wounded well. I’ve not been hospitalized. I’m just a guy looking to actualize. I don’t eat Prozac or Paxil. But I like booze and Xanax pills. And MDMA made me feel alive.

Dr. tell me… What do you see when you look deep inside me?

I know, I know, I know something’s wrong. Don’t know who you are or where you belong. You gotta get up, get out, Is what it’s all about. Jump, stop, turn around. You just knocked me out.

I’m not seriously ill. But I won’t make it up this hill unless I drop the rock you topped me with. But wait… we are all Prometheus bound. So why do I fight this unwinnable round?

Dr. tell me… What do you see when you look deep inside me?

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

There’s something in the dark and it’s buggin’ me. It hides and it waits til the light goes out. Then I lie there blind with my eyes open wide. And I can hear it crawling, flying towards me.

It’s driving me so crazy that I stand up on my bed. I scan the room but when the lights are on it disappears and hides from me.

I wonder where it goes when the sun comes up. I wonder what it looks like when it spies on me. I wonder what it wants to do to me. It sounds so small but can it eat me?

It’s keeping me from sleeping. If I don’t sleep I’m gonna lose my mind. It’s teasing me and mocking me. Am I ever going to find… it…

Do I really wanna kill? Will it calm me down? Or will a smear on the wall make a much louder sound? Will the echo of the death keep me wide awake? It’s just a bug but can it’s life I take!

I know it wants to make my ear its cave. And lay it’s eggs deep inside my brains. So I plug my ears and nose with wads of cotton. And I try to forget what just can’t be forgotten…

That there’s something in the dark and it’s buggin’ me. It hides and it waits til the light goes out. Then I lie there blind with my eyes open wide. Am I ever going to find it?

It’s driving me so crazy that I stand up on my bed. I scan the room but when the lights are on it disappears and hides from me.

Is this really all about a bug trapped in my room? Or is it just some metaphor that I’m too dumb to see?

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

We’re at the end of the bloodline. Standing here I’m all that is left behind. We will walk through my family of ghosts. Say our final goodbyes.

I don’t know what to say to you it’s easier to lie. I’m sick of all the hurt I’d rather say goodbye. You think I don’t give a shit you say I’m no good. Full of broken promises a loser and a crook.

So now that I’m a thief I think I’m gonna steal. Gonna take away the future end this ordeal. I know it sucks all this acting out. But I can’t find the peace over all these shouts.

I’m not a happy guy but I’m not blaming anyone. That’s what the weak ones do. My life’s in my hands now.

I’d like to thank all my friends for helping me get to the end. But I can’t find the meaning can’t find the sign. Can’t separate the day from the night. If I get the chance to come back.

I’m gonna be a bird of paradise. Gonna sit beneath a shady tree. Gonna spread my wings and shake a leaf.

Raise your hands it’s time to celebrate. Cause I’m the last of the family. If you ask me if I’ve been born before. I’d have to say this is my first and last time.

This is my first. This is my first time. This is my first. My first and my last time.

Seems like it happened all so fast. I lost my way confused the past. Look around to see what’s there. I got no direction nothing nowhere.

My parents say that they understand. As they hold their credit card in their hand. Another one’s gone, another one’s gone, another one bites the dust.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I can’t recall my latest dream. My eyes are wide and yet it seems that I’m still somehow… can it be that I’m still sleeping? Please, I’m begging won’t somebody pinch me. Shake me, punch me, motivate or wake me.

I got a dog, I got a house, I bought a wife, I got a car. I try to read, I try to run and yet somehow I keep forgetting to have some fun. Where’s the re-set button?

Can’t you see I’m just pretending? That my life is never ending? Paralyzed, I sit and vegetate. Can’t seem to rise. I need something to energize. I gotta motivate.

I used to have some structure. I used to have a plan. But then I graduated. I’m a really really really really lazy man.

Activate Accelerate Appreciate Anticipate Assassinate Collaborate Communicate Consolidate Coagulate Detonate Dominate Domesticate Exterminate Fascinate Fabricate Illuminate Eradicate Impersonate Mutilate Motivate Medicate Meditate Negotiate Obliterate Penetrate Regulate Separate Stimulate Suffocate Tolerate Terminate and Validate

I’m just a little overwhelmed…Seems like an awful lot to do..

Can’t you see I’m just pretending? That my life is never ending? Paralyzed, I sit and vegetate. Can’t seem to rise. I need something to energize. I gotta motivate.

I used to have some structure. I used to have a plan. But then I graduated. I’m a really really really really lazy man.

I can’t recall my latest dream. My eyes are wide and yet it seems. That I’m still somehow… can it be that I’m still sleeping? Please, I’m begging won’t somebody pinch me. Shake me, punch me, motivate or wake me.

I got a dog, I got a house, I bought a wife, I got a car. I try to read, I try to run and yet somehow I keep forgetting to have some fun. Where’s the re-set…Where’s the re-set button?

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

Black leather. A tight vest. Who cares about the rest? Smooth moves. Brown eyes. Let me sleep by your side. I don’t care what you think. You’re hot and I’m on the brink.

It’s greeting time on The Assembly Line. It’s meeting time on The Assembly Line.

Grunge girl. A hippie hottie. Looks like I’m getting naughty. Black or white. Is alright. Cause you’re a woman all night. You’re young and I was. That should be enough.

It’s greeting time on The Assembly Line. It’s meeting time on The Assembly Line.

Yo man. Vodka tonic. I’m feeling semi-sonic. It’s two o’clock a.m. You look good, but who’s your friend?

It’s greeting time on The Assembly Line. It’s meeting time on The Assembly Line.

Long hair, Short hair, Spiky hair, No hair. Can’t you see that we don’t care?

It’s feeding time on the assembly line. It’s feeding time on the assembly line.

© 2012 The Four Postmen Music Publishing (ASCAP)

Recorded & Engineered by Geoff Dunbar – GKD Studios

Cover Art by Ethan Kaminsky – Kaminsky Productions

Clog Down Double Sausage

SONG LYRICS

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

I used to wanna compete. I thought that I could complete all the goals and dreams that I’d set in stone. I took a look around. I put my feet on the ground. I got a running start and then I jumped off a cliff.

Can I fly? I don’t know, there’s only one way to see. I’ve gotta try… And as I’m fallin’ I’ve got plenty to see.

You’re so lucky you were born here and not over there. Can you imagine bein’ there and never bein’ over here?

I wanna be famous. I wanna be rich. I wanna be loved and idolized. I wanna sleep with a 1000 girls… tonight. I wanna eat food til I’m bout to pop. Drink so much that I just can’t stop. I wanna sleep with a 1000 girls… tonight. I’m not growin’ up, I’m growin’ old. And I never said that I could handle never getting what I want.

Feels like I just sat down. Been on my feet all day. And you want me to talk but I got nothin’ to say. And so you’re out the door and that’s a rotten shame. They all start a little different but they end the same.

I think back. I don’t know. But I seem to recall that I never said I wasn’t what I am and so I have to wonder why you’d think I’d change. Are you the miracle girl? A lot have tried before and every one has failed.

I wanna start over. I’m gettin’ too old. Livin’ my life all alone. Wanna pair up with a younger girl… tonight! Mid life crisis – kiss my ass! Drivin’ my sports car way too fast. The future will become the past… tonight! I’m not growin’ up, I’m growin’ old. And I never said that I could handle never getting what I want.

I’ve got too many choices. I hear too many voices. Everybody’s got advice on how to live my life. I’ve got too many lists. And too many missed opportunities that could have made me rich.

Am I mad? Do I care? Am I bitter? Do I swear? Or do I smile and try to make the best of every day that’s left?

But there’s too many yes-sirs. And too many jesters. If you wanna be the King, you gotta kill the Queen.

I wanna be famous. I wanna be rich. I wanna be loved and idolized. I wanna sleep with a 1000 girls… tonight. I wanna eat food til I’m bout to pop. Drink so much that I just can’t stop. I wanna sleep with a 1000 girls… tonight. I’m not growin’ up, I’m growin’ old. Everybody wants the same things that you do. No, I never said that I could handle never getting what I want.

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

Can you see me in the rain? Head upturned to hide the pain. Water rushin’ down my face. I might as well be laughin’.

I feel too old to feel this way. My friends all say to stay away. And although I know I’ll pay. I just can’t seem to listen.

Cause I trusted you with all my mind. I gave you what I felt inside. I treated you the best I could. And the best you gave me back was not that good.

You’re not a bad girl. But you could be a lot better. You’re not a bad girl. But you could be a lot better.

I can’t see us being friends. Cause of the way you made it end. You pulled me back then ran away. When were you gonna tell me?

I can’t believe you can date so quick. Thought of you with what’s his name makes me sick. But I guess I should learned that’s how you get yer kicks. It’s gonna come back to bite ya.

Cause you’re standin’ on the deck of a sinkin’ ship and you’ve been lookin’ to jump since the beginning of the trip. Instead of always lookin’ for another guy you might wanna try to take a look inside.

You’re not a bad girl. But you could be a lot better. You’re not a bad girl. But you could be a lot better.

There’s nothing you could ever say to me that would ever make me wanna say anything. The trust is gone & the past is too…And the only thing left to go is you…

So get out my mind…And please just stay away…

Can you see me in the rain? Thoughts are racin’ thru my brain. Memories slowly wash away. It’s as if I never met ya.

Words & Music by Matt Kaminsky

Mr. Neighbor bought himself a hot tub, so i built myself a pool. He sent his children for a public education so I sent my kids to private school. He leased a Porsche, so I bought a Maserati so I wouldn’t seem the fool. The game gets started once your life begins. He who dies with the most toys wins.

Mr. Neighbor left his wife and children for a girl of 25. I saw his lady and she got my juices flowin’ so I traded in my older wife for a stripper who could almost be my daughter. Never felt better in my life. Once the game gets started, go commit your sins. He who dies with the most toys wins.

I drink Cristal and snort cocaine ’cause I look at my life and it’s so mundane. And I need mine to be a little insane. I’m so unsatisfied. I watch you buy your diamonds and furs and I need to do better. Baby, that’s my curse. In the song of debt I’ll sing another verse to be one up on you.

Mr. Neighbor made a reconciliation with the life he left behind. It’s so pathetic when a man admits his weakness to the ones he treated so unkind. Who needs a love when you’ve got more than the others? I’m alone, but I don’t mind. ‘Cause when the game’s all over and the Devil grins…He who dies with the most toys wins.

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

I’m too young to have regrets but there are a couple of things I want to forget. I can see the stars at night and I will drink you out of sight.

I’m too young to be feeling so old. I’m too old to have acted so dumb.

Dumb dee dee Dumb Guy. I am the Dumb Guy. I am the Dumb Guy. I am Dumb. Dumb dee dee Dumb Guy. I am the Dumb Guy. I am the Dumb Guy. I am Dumb.

There’s no reason to pretend that it’ll all work out in the end. I don’t mean to burst your bubble, it’s just that I’ve seen a lot of trouble.

I’m too young to be feeling so old. I’m too old to have acted so dumb.

Dumb dee dee Dumb Guy. I am the Dumb Guy. I am the Dumb Guy. I am Dumb. Dumb dee dee Dumb Guy. I am the Dumb Guy. I am the Dumb Guy. I am Dumb.

There is no one to blame. Even though I am clinically insane.

There’s nothing that I can do that’ll ever explain my point of view. Won’t you do me this one favor, walk away and be gone forever.

I’m too young to be feeling so old. I’m too old to have acted so dumb.

Dumb dee dee Dumb Guy. I am the Dumb Guy. I am the Dumb Guy. I am Dumb. Dumb dee dee Dumb Guy. I am the Dumb Guy. I am the Dumb Guy. I am Dumb.

Words & Music by Matt Kaminsky

Don’t kick me I’m already down. Can you just give up? I am lying here bleeding. Just know what I’m needing can’t be put in words. And it hurts that you still don’t know how to console me.

I’m up, but I keep falling down. The path was once clear, now I see walls before me. You used to adore me.  I couldn’t do wrong. Guess I couldn’t live up to your fairy tale ending.

Faith built on promises. Tell me what’s wrong with this? I shouldn’t have to explain. Do you recognize me when you lie beside me? ‘Cause all things familiar are suddenly strange. And you’ve changed. Yes you’ve changed.

So kick me, I’m already down. Give your best shot. One more blow will not scar me. If you wanted to harm me, you take home the prize. When I look in your eyes, are you there? Do you see me?

What do you do when the battle is through? Do you turn in your gun and go home? And if you’re to blame, are you ever the same? Are you better off out on your own? I’m drowning, I’m sinking, I’m numb, but I’m thinking ’bout everything that we’ve been through. I’d do it again and again and again if it meant I could do it with you.

Don’t kick me, I’m already down. Just say you love me. Nothing else matters.

Words & Music by Ken Weiler

Oh my god take a look at your girlfriend. Knee-high boots & cut-off shorts. If tonight were steal-a-date night, I might take the risk of having a fight.

I can’t stop looking, hate being a man. Wanna look away from her but I can’t. Is she your sister, is she a friend? Can’t stop my libido from making me crazy.

OMG TTYL LMAO XOXO

OMG take a look at your girlfriend. The way she moves really freaks me out. Nothing’s wrong, she’s perfectly fine. It’s her body that’s blowing my mind.

OMG-TTYL. I think I’m going straight to hell.. The one good thing about purgatory. You don’t get in without a helluva story.

OMG TTYL LMAO XOXO

OMG RU JK’ING? SHE IS WAY TG2BT. CC ME THAT JPEG. C4N LHSX.

To the guy who’s in love with a beautiful girl. You got the hardest day job in the world. Going out with her every day and hearing all the crap people like me say.

 OMG TTYL LMAO XOXO

Words & Music by Stefan Marks

La, la…La, la…La, la…

Can you hold on to me and still be who you used to be? Or will it change you? When you look at me do you see me as I see me or do you see me as I see you?

Look at you lookin at me lookin’ at you wonderin’ what the hell do I have to do to make you and me… we…

Cause what I see… In your eyes…Is that our hellos… are becoming goodbyes…

La, la…La, la…La, la…

And although I know that I loved you… Maybe I never did…And although I know that you loved me… Maybe you never did…

I wanna go where I can be the man I’ve always dreamed I’d be…

Don’t change, cause I don’t wanna change you. Please change, cause then I’ll really love you. Can’t change, cause then I will become you. I want you to be happy but I want me to be happy too.

Can’t see a way that we can fix this. One kiss just becomes another kiss. That kiss turns into the final kiss. Go away please stay we gotta find another way…

When you… See me… Do you… See us…See me the way that I see you…Can you… Will you… Stay… with me? Can u say that you’ll stay…If it gets tough… will you stay on or will you look to run…will you stay on? Or will you run away?

I wanna go where I can be the man I’ve always dreamed I’d be…

Can’t you be? Why not be? Could you be? Won’t you be? Will you be a friend to me? I don’t know why that you say that you’re here for me when you’re nowhere to be found.

Don’t change, cause I don’t wanna change you. Please change, cause then I’ll really love you. Can’t change, cause then I will become you. I want you to be happy but I want me to be happy too.

Can’t see a way that we can fix this. One kiss just becomes another kiss.That kiss turns into the final kiss. Go away please stay we gotta find another way…

(AT SAME TIME AS 4 LINES ABOVE.)

I wanna go where I can be the man I’ve always dreamed I’d be…

Can’t you be? Why not be? Could you be? Won’t you be? Will you be a friend to me? I don’t know why that you say that you’re here for me when you’re nowhere to be found…

And although I know that I loved you

(And I see…)

Maybe I never did…

(In your eyes…)

Oh and…I am sorry for all of the fighting…

(And I see…)

And I am sorry for all of the crying…

(In your eyes…)

And I am sorry for all the time wasted…

(And I see…)

But I will finally let you go…

let you go…

(How can I? Why should I? How can you?

Why would you? How can we? Why can’t we?

How could you let me go…)

© 2014 The Four Postmen Music Publishing (ASCAP)

Recorded & Engineered by Geoff Dunbar – GKD Studios

 

Brett Pearsons

Brett Pearsons is one talented, funny dude. His energy is infectious and he puts everyone (audiences & band-members alike) in a great mood with his humor. But don’t let his jocular persona fool you. He’s a killer musician. As bassist for The Four Postmen he knocks it out of the park with his complex lines and execution. He’s also written some of their classic songs such as SHE IS WALKING AWAY, GENTLEMAN A, IMPORTANT DATES, and ARE YOU OKAY?.

Since graduating with a Bachelor of Fine Arts from Rutger’s University Mason Gross School of the Arts, Brett Pearsons has worked regularly as an actor in Film, TV, Commercials, Theatre and Video Game voice overs. Such titles include DIAGNOSIS MURDER, Ill-ADVISED, DEVIOUS BEINGS, OUTLAW TENNIS AND GOLF, and most recently iCARLY, REVIEW WITH FOREST MACNEIL and THE MENTALIST. He also stars in the TV pilot STARLAND P.C.

In addition to his acting work Brett has been involved in various comedy and music ventures. Brett is an alumni of iO West. He was musical director, song writer and played the mandolin for celt punk band The Mighty Regis for 7 years. The Mighty Regis toured all over the United States, including 2010’s Van’s Warped Tour and a St. Patrick’s Day tour in 2012 that culminated in opening for Dropkick Murphy’s in Boston’s House of Blues. His latest venture is TINY goliath, a folk rock trio that are performing their original music around Los Angeles.

Brett is also developing a variety of film and television scripts for his production company, sad wombat.

Check out brettpearsons.com

Geoff Dunbar

Geoff Dunbar is not only the drummer for The Four Postmen, he also owns an impressive recording studio (GKD STUDIOS) where he has served as producer, engineer, and mixer of many T4P albums.  He’s the real deal – a college professor who taught music recording at Cal State Los Angeles, Cypress College, U.C. Riverside, and currently at Pasadena City College.  He loves to write, record, arrange, and produce music, and has written some of The Four Postmen’s crowd favorites such as STALK-HER and DWEET, to name a few.

When not playing with The Four Postmen, he brews his own beer and gets to really challenge himself playing drums and writing music for the “musically unpredictable and lyrically thoughtful” THE OBVIOUS WISH. He also serves as a freelance contractor for the US Dept. of Defense in the “Music as a Weapon” division.

Stefan Marks

Stefan Marks is a singer, songwriter, and guitarist for The Four Postmen. His acerbic wit and unique perspective of the world serve as the primary basis for the approach and tone of the band’s music and performance style.

An accomplished playwright, Stefan has written and directed over 25 plays and has received multiple Ovation Award nominations. In 2011 he won Ovation Awards for Best Original Play and Best Actor for his play, HELLO. His newest musical play MIDDLE 8 (starring The Four Postmen), opens November 9th, 2018 at the Stella Adler Theatre in Hollywood.

As an actor and voice-over artist, he has voiced hundreds of commercials, held numerous national campaigns, and has appeared in countless commercials and tv shows.  You can check him out on IMDB by clicking HERE.

Stefan is also a kick-ass banjo player.

Matt Kaminsky

Matt Kaminsky is a singer, songwriter, and keyboardist for The Four Postmen.

As a voice-over artist he has voiced countless video games and hundreds of commercials, most notably multi-year national campaigns for HONDA and T-MOBILE. As an actor he has an extensive list of TV and film credits. You can check him out on IMDB by clicking HERE.

He married his college sweetheart, Dotty, in 1994 and they have 2 kids.